on their health
There is no reference to the health of the person in the original statement. It indicates "themselves", which is not the same "their health". This is an incorrect synonym usage. The more appropriate phrase or word to have used here would have been "personal lives" since this refers to the idea of harming "themselves".
I completely agre
There is a difference between an extent response and a simple response in this essay. While both refer to agree or disagree, the former uses the hint "to what extent" in refence to "completely agree". Where "to what extent" is not present, the response should simply be "I agree".
according to statistics.
You can skip information sources in the task 2 essay because the task calls for only your personal opinion, regardless of whether the information is made up or accurate. The examiner is interested in the way that you analyze questions and deliver responses. He does not require a source for the information.
consider my uncle
Good touch that can increase the scoring potential. Personal examples help show how well you understood the question and how you apply the same to your personal insight. Well done.
The conclusion only contains 29 words, this must have at least 40 words to be considered a proper reverse paraphrase. The original topic was not restated as required. Neither were the topic sentences rephrased for this section. Both of which are the basis of the score for this paragraph.