TOEFL; Some people think that family has more influence on the young adult

Topic: Some people think that family is the most influence on the young adult. Others believe that friends are the most important influence on the young adults. Which one do you agree?

Please rate my essay. I will be taking a TOEFL test soon.
Thanks so much,

Members of family are the first individuals who have more beneficial affects on their own adults. Some people think that family is the most important influence on young adults. Others, however, believe that friends are the most important influence on young adults. If I were forced to agree with one of these two conditions, I would rather to stand behind the former. As far as I am concerned there are three conspicuous aspects as follows.

To begin with, family members are the first teachers for their own adults. Parents are the first persons that teach their own adults the fundamental social roles. They teach them how they can respect others or how they can behave with strangers and their own relatives in different situations. Parents, sister(s) and brother(s) of young adults have the opportunity to teach adults how they can talk to others or even make new friends. Family is the first organization that children and adults begin growing up and learn more essential and required skills such as the way of eating food, the way of responding to others needs. Eventually, adults can be taught how to prepare themselves for their schools and how to find their future occupation. Young adults can recognize the wrong action from right one. They can use the assist of their family to fiend their favourite marriage partner in their future life.

Furthermore, parents spend more time with their adults. Since youngsters don't have enough experience and skills in both personal and social lives, they prefer to ask a lot of questions from their parents and even their own brothers and sisters to gain necessary information. Therefore, they have to spend more time with their own family members to propose their quarries. Parents want their adults to behave and treat according to their parent's trends. Thus, parents pay attention to them carefully in all probable situations.

Last but not least, friends can have most important influence on the young adults. Because adolescence is a duration which youngsters prefer to become independent from their parents, they want to spend more times with their close and best friends. Adults have a tendency to share their secret problems with their close friends to find solutions. In addition, they spend more time with their friends at school. For instance, they read their own books and perform their assignments and prepare themselves for the midterm and final exams. They attend to class with their own friends to learn new knowledge. They also have the chance to make group team to play games with each other at school or outside the school like football or basketball and volleyball.

To sum up from what I have discussed, we can draw a safely conclusion that, the influence of the family on the children and adults overweigh the friend's influence. Young adults spend more time with their family at home and outdoors and their parents are the first teachers for them in their social and personal lives.

What do you mean by "their own adults"? I think you could use children instead.


-> ...believe that friends are more influential ... -> You used the phrase "the most important influence" three times.

--> "affect" is a verb, "effect" is a noun.


--> You are supposed to paraphrase the topic, not copy it. My suggestion: "While many people believe that family have the most significant influence on their children, others argue that friends have greater impacts on young adults than their family do."

Best