Unanswered [3] / Urgent [0] / SERVICES

Writing Feedback   Posts: 2

Some people think the government funding should not be used for supporting art and culture

Trang2810 1 / 2  
Jul 10, 2018   #1

Funds to develop art and culture.

Topic: Some people think the government funding should not be used for supporting art and culture, others think supporting cultural activities may be beneficial for the population and the culture. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

Music and some art works are considered as the soul of human's life. Furthermore, these can be milestones of historical periods. That's the reason why government of many countries are investing amounts of money to preserve , and giving way to develop art and culture. Nevertheless, many people against this action. In my opinion, I believe that the advantages of aiding the cultural activities are far more outweighed than the disadvantages .

As we may know, culture of each country is different from the other. It partially contributes to the unique beauty of one country. However, the more modern the life is, the more risk many continents are facing with losing cultural identity. To prevent that matter, head of countries are putting their funds on supporting art and culture. For example, Ao dai which is a traditional dress of Vietnamese women are protected and inherited through many generations. Vietnamese Government has hold many international events where attendants are required to wear Ao Dai. In addition, most of the international show , especially having the participation of foreigners, are performed by artist dancers of Vietnam. These are some ways that Vietnamese government uses to reserve the beauty of Vietnamese traditions and help their women become more elegant and beautiful. Therefore, I strongly agree that supporting money for developing culture is the right things to do.

On the other hand, there are still many opinions dissapproving of raising money for cultural activities. The result of one survey shows that, people in this group believe that government funding should be spending on boosting the economy. However, From what I learned from school if one country want to be stronger , its society has to be stable first. To do that thing, culture is the most important factor. It teach people about behavior and the connection between men and men.

Besides, lots of people lost their trust with many organizations who take advantage of the money supporting for cultural. For example, they ask for help from publication and then they take away the large of money to do their own business. Government should have more methods to ensure the money comes directly to cultural cooperations .

In conclusion, reserving the beauty of culture is very important. Not only Government but also population should involve more to protect cultural heritage.
Holt - / 7,651 1998  
Jul 11, 2018   #2
Truong, this essay is only partially correct in responding to the prompt requirements. The main problems your presentation has are as follows:
1. Irrelevant prompt paraphrase in the first paragraph
2. Improper formation of the personal opinion paragraph
3.Underdeveloped summary conclusion

These 3 problems can very well result in a partial score for this essay that will not be near the passing mark due to the problematic sentence structures, overly simple English vocabulary and a lack of coherence, cohesion, and transition sentences in the paragraphs which could have resulted in a much better presentation of the topic for discussion.

For comparison purposes, let's look at what the original prompt for the discussion is:

Question: Discuss both views and give your own opinion
Response: In my opinion, I believe that the advantages of aiding the cultural activities are far more outweighed than the disadvantages .

Where exactly does the advantage disadvantage discussion come in? It is clear from the discussion instruction / question that you are changing the prompt requirement, causing a prompt deviation, and not responding to the question in the proper manner. That means you will get a failing score for the TA section. However, since the rest of your body paragraphs are related to the original instruction in response, you will receive a partial score for those sections. However, not passing the TA section means that it will be difficult for you to gain an overall passing score based on the remaining criteria.

Here is a sample of how to properly paraphrase the given prompt:

There is a discussion as to whether the government should be offering financial support for the promotion of the culture and arts in a given country. Others opine that the government finances would be better spend on other projects. While the other opinion is that the government funding is necessary in order to properly expose the citizens to the country's traditions. This essay will review both points of view after which, I shall present my own opinion on the matter.

Since this is not a direct question essay, you are not allowed to begin the discussion in the first paragraph. That paragraph is meant only for the prompt paraphrase in relation proving your English comprehension and vocabulary skills from the very beginning of your writing. A mere repeat or explanation of what you understand the original instructions to mean or require for discussion is all that is required.

You are creating redundancies in the essay. Your second paragraph is a complete repeat of the prompt paraphrase again. It also runs beyond the maximum sentence requirement of 5 sentences. This was caused by you repeating of the prompt paraphrase and not actually having a discussion topic for this particular body paragraph. You need to learn that in order to write an effective paragraph you need to use less words that have more meaning in relation to what you want to say. Create clear and concise paragraphs of no more than 5 sentences each.

Your personal opinion in this instance should not be in the form of an "extent" essay as the opinion being asked of you is whether or not the government should spend on culture and art projects. It is not asking if you agree or disagree and to what extent. The correct response should have been contained in a stand alone personal opinion paragraph that indicates, "I believe that the government should continue spending on arts and culture projects because..." There is no agree/ disagree in this instance. An original opinion instead, is what is required as a response.

The concluding paragraph is always required to be a summary of the previous discussion and a restatement of the prompt thesis, along with your personal opinion. That is, for this type of essay. This means that your closing paragraph is not only lacking in the required sentences, but also does not close the discussion because you offered new information in this section. Which means the essay is open ended instead of concluded. An open ended essay means the last paragraph presents new information, but without ample explanation nor relation to the summary of the discussion.

Home / Writing Feedback / Some people think the government funding should not be used for supporting art and culture