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Some people think that holding parties, wedding parties, birthday parties are waste of money


bestjery 2 / 4 1  
Aug 4, 2016   #1
TOPIC : Some people think that holding parties, wedding parties, birthday parties and other celebrations is a waste of money. Others, however, think that such parties are important for individuals and for the society.

Discuss two views and give your opinion.


Essay:

As the development of the society, more people choose to celebrate some occasions by holding all kinds of parties,but others oppsite this for it may causes some unnecessary overconsuming.I am of the opinion that even some celabrations are neccesary,but hosting parties without limitation could generates nagative consequences both for individuals and the society.

Those people who belived that parties are the best way to celebrate are used to holding parties for wedding ceremoney or birthday could cause more waste.they follow the view that more people and more fun, and spend lots of money to celebrate it.that would cause more unnecessary cost.To illustrate, many people bring food to the party, with lots of beveage, may not eat up but throw it as trash. we certainly can celebrate those by some economical way,

and encourge people to reduce parties.

Others support the opinion that holding parties cost lots of money.some parties may not necessary for people's daily life,such as holding a party for pets' birthday.This is because it cost lots of money and make no sense at all.Furthermore,some young people tend to join lots of parties which may easily expose to someone who have drug problem or commiting criminal. To illustrate, juvenile can not easily distinguish from right to wrong, they may be affected by bad ones.For those reasons, people oppisite parties certainly have its reasonable points.

To sum up, hosting some parties for important moment is certainly meaningful, but overholding parties could have some nagative influence for individuals and the society,not to memtion it also spend unnecessary money.We need to weight its cons before to decide hosting a party or not.

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PS: I am preparing to improve my writing, and need to achieve band 6 in IELTS's writing. All advices are welcome, no matter it is harsh or not, if possible, please give the essay a score in four criteria as follows:

- task achievement
- coherence and cohesion
- lexical resource
- grammatical range and accuracy
Thanks!!!

akbartaufiq25 7 / 81 54  
Aug 4, 2016   #2
Hi bestjery! The following are several takes on your essay.

1st paragraph
".., (please give a space after a comma or other punctuation marks)but others oppsiteare the oppositethis for itThey said that such a celebration may causes some unnecessary overconsuming."

"..even some celabrationscelebrations are neccesarynecessary ,but hosting parties without .."
"..could generatesnagativenegative .."
"..both for for both individuals and the societies .

2nd paragraph
"Those people who belivedbelieved .."
"..that more people and more funthe more the merrier .."
"..and encourgeencourage people.."
You may consider the re-phrase of the second paragraph as follows:
People who believed that parties are the best way to celebrate would cause unnecessary cost.They follow the view that the more the merrier. To illustrate, many people bring food and lots of beverage to the party may not eat up but throw it as trash.We certainly can celebrate those in an economical way.

3rd paragraph
"..or commitingcommitting.."
"..oppisiteopposite .."

4th paragraph
"..some nagativenegative influences.."
"..memtionmention.."

Actually, I like the way you present the ideas which are simple and to the point. Still, be careful with mispellings, the use of punctuations, and grammar. I suggest you do self-correction prior to posting the essay to the EF. This will help you gaining awareness about the aspects of writing and enhance your writing as well. Keep writing and stay positive! Regards :D
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Aug 4, 2016   #3
Hi Jery, first of all, I love hosting parties, so if I were to write about this task,I will lean towards the, "I don't agree that parties are waste of money", anyway, as I review your essay, I believe you made your point, you highlighted the ongoing argument on this topic and it's well managed, the fact that you brought both sides of the argument to the table only means that you have answered and proven your point towards the topic.

If I were to defend myself, however, I believe parties are not waste of money at all, though to hold a party, one will definitely need to buy food and all party essentials, this does not mean that you are wasting them, I look at it as a union, a celebration of life's simple pleasure, to get to know your relatives and friends better and to simply enjoy life.

On the other hand, I also agree that holding parties is not the only way to get to know your friends and celebrate life, it can be with a small lunch, a cup of coffee or just simply admiring nature. Going back to your essay, I believe the grammar and sentence construction needs to be enhanced. The thing is, you have the idea and you know how to approach your essay but you're somehow missing on the strength and the conviction of your argument. I hope my insights helped!


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