Hi, guys! Please give me all your suggestions as my target is band 7!!! Thank you !!!!!!
ESSAY: People think that the news media has influenced people's lives nowadays and it is a negative development. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
The issue of whether the news media exerts an adverse impact on the developments of both individuals and the entire society has sparked off an intense debate among the public. Some people claim that the prevalence and popularity of the news media gets rise to a series of disturbing problem and objectionable weaknesses. Personally, I agree with this opinion.
To begin with, the news media is detrimental to the unity and harmony of the entire society. It is simply because a great amount of violence and crimes described and popularized by the news media would give people an implication that they are surrounded by a vast number of potential criminals.Under such circumstances, those law-abiding and peace-loving people would largely generate anxiety and apprehension, which would bring about the estrangement between individuals.As a result, the impersonal and indifferent atmosphere will be spread and disseminated to the every corner of the society.
Additionally, the soaring rate of juvenile delinquency should be blamed for the news media. Unarguably, due to the nature of teenagers, those who lack self-control and the awareness of distinguishing right from wrong, are highly likely to imitate violent and ferocious behaviors that are portrayed and conveyed by the news media in details. Thereby, they would gradually become hostile and aggressive and are prone to vent their wrath on other people with those anti-social behaviors. Consequently, they will get involved into violent crimes and their futures will fall prey to it.
Admittedly, the major and primary purpose of a considerable number of journalists who describe and publicize the detailed violence and crimes is, more often than not, to grab the attentions of people and to boost the newspaper circulation as well as TV-rating. However, it is undeniable that the security and stability of the entire society is grievously endangered by the excessive violent contents that are proliferated by the news media.
To conclude, I concede that individuals, to some extent, can benefit from the news media. Nevertheless, I am still convinced that the disadvantages of the news media outweigh its advantages. Therefore, an array of measures and regulations should be taken into consideration and implemented by the government to curb this phenomenon.
Xiao, as usual, you already have a good grammatical control, so this is not a big deal for you. Therefore, you need to focus more on the content of your essay. I notice that your recent posts mostly consist of 5 paragraphs per essay. This is okay, but it is uncommon. There are two possibilities of unusual essay. Whether it leads to negative or positive sense to the reader or examiner.
Furthermore, the thing that I am concerned is your first and second body paragraph. I notice that you never try to put a conclusion for each paragraph. I have no idea why are you doing that. According to IELTS band descriptor, this could be addressed as 'lack of conclusion', which is the measurement of band 5.0. I am just afraid that if you are keep neglecting a concluding sentence for each paragraph, this will be bad towards your band score.
However, do not worry, that was just my insights about your essay. Overall, your essay is already becoming an outstanding piece of writing, especially in your grammatical control and lexical resource. It is undoubtedly you are going to earn 7 or more than that for those two aspects.
Thank you for your advices. But I have a question:
You said I did't write a conclusion in my first and body paragraph. Conclusion means what?? Like"Therefore..." Is that right??
Also, in the first paragraph, "Personally, I agree with this opinion" Is it not a conclusion??
I am a little confused...
Yes, that is what I meant by a conclusion, 'therefore / thus / in sum / all in all'. Your introduction paragraph and conclusion paragraph did not have any problems with concluding sentence. The first body paragraph and second body paragraph are the problems, not introduction paragraph. You accidentally stopped explaining after mentioning 'as a result / consequently'. In this case, you need to restate or conclude the main idea that you have mentioned in the first sentence. That is what I meant by 'lack of conclusion' for each paragraph.
Let me give you another brief explanation. As you know, body paragraph usually consists of:
- Idea > main idea or usually called topic sentence (first sentence)
- Why? > give reason why this idea is true
- Example > give an example of it
- Result > say what the implications / effects of this example are
- Conclusion > conclude the paragraph. >> this is the part that you've missed in this essay.