Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 6


IELTS: Task 2 Some people think that no one should be allowed to work after the age


pijiuwdw 6 / 8  
Sep 8, 2013   #1
I really want to get your feedback of my essay. Thanks guys!
TOPIC: Some people think that no one should be allowed to work after the age of 65. Otherssay that people should be allowed to work for as long as they want to. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

With the incredible economic growth, the working and living condition has been significant improved in recent decades. Some people start to believe that employees should enjoy their retired time after the age of 65. However, others claim that individuals should work for no matter how long the want to. I totally agree with those who hold the view that people should retire after 65.

It is accepted that employees aged over 65 are not able to deal with their work well both in mentally and physically. To begin with, the old employees are more conservative and it is hard for them to accept the creative changes and advanced techniques on their daily work. Numerous closed companies like Kodak proved that creative changes and advanced techniques are essential to every company. Therefore, the old employees bring negative effect on the development of companies. Besides, old employees can hardly finish their working tasks, especially manual work, due to the loss of concentration and energy. As a result, companies have to pay all of the bills for their inefficient work and medical care and bear more pleasure on finance.

Opponents, however, support that the value of old employees can bring real interest to companies. They argue that the experience of the old makes a great contribution to the growth of the young and lead them to be more skillful in their work. Furthermore, it is without doubt that the old are more loyal than others. Even they are willing to devote their whole life to the companies. So, they are the main factor to make companies running in a stable condition.

In the nutshell, both sides of the issue seem like reasonable but I am prone to the former. I believe that employees who retire at the age of 65 release companies' financial burden and help companies grow up better.
sistan 2 / 3 1  
Sep 8, 2013   #2
Personally I don't see the reason to include you view in the introduction, maybe I'm mistaken.
Somebody help please! :)

I think this is in the main body that we state our opinion on each matter, and in the conclusion we provide the reader with our general opinion.

Instead of Beside, you can use in addition.
To begin with, could be supplant with another phrase.

Hope this helps.
MisterWandering 18 / 321 130  
Sep 8, 2013   #3
significant improved

improved significantly

retired time

retirement

in mentally and physically

I think this is a good essay and including your opinion in the introduction is a good idea as the prompt also asks for it!
yakira_m - / 2 1  
Sep 8, 2013   #4
Hey pijiuwdw,

So far it's a pretty strong essay,

Some people start to believe that

I think this phrase could be improved, to say "some people believe" or "some people are starting to believe"

Also I think it's "in a nutshell" and the last sentence "grow up better" could be simplified to just "grow."

Overall, looks good.
gmad06 20 / 151 55  
Sep 8, 2013   #5
Personally I don't see the reason to include you view in the introduction, maybe I'm mistaken.
Somebody help please! :)

In a prompt like this, you should mention your opinion in the introduction and further ellaborate it in the conclusion paragraph.
Don't make your opinion a surprise especially if it is being asked.

With the incredible economic growth, the working and living condition has been significant improved in recent decades

The incredible economic growth in the recent decades has made a significant improvement to the working and living conditions of mankind.

Great ideas! It is a common practice however to discuss the opposing idea first, followed by the idea you are in favor of. This gives your

essay a more smoother logical flow.

hope this helps....
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Sep 13, 2013   #6
With the incredible economic growth, the working and living condition has been significantly improved in recent decades.
This line has little relevance to the main argument which talks about retirement age. May be it has, but not direct. You better begin your essay with a stronger hook that is directly related to the prompt task and also has the power of grabbing reader's attention.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS: Task 2 Some people think that no one should be allowed to work after the age
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳