Some people think that one should retire at the age of 65.
Others say that people should be allowed to work for as long as they want to.
What is your opinion about this?
People have argued over the suitable retirement age for the elderly. From my perspective, the society can reap benefits from giving them a job offer after the age of 65.
First and foremost, based on the common rights shared by the elderly and the others, all of us have our free will to work as much as we desire. Why would we fold our arms but not to make good use of own experiences? To be a well developed country all the elderly would be invited to work.
Second, with more well-trained members joining the workforce, it will ease the burden on the government's society expenses. That's why the government appeals for the old to work after the retirement age. To become a sophisticated society the elderly people's productivity should be exploited for the greater good.
The medical technologies empower us a longer and healthy life. Although there are some setbacks, I think it is important for everyone to be given the same chances in work, regardless of age.
Overall I think the essay is quite short so you should have more details
In academic essay you should not use question
What do you mean 'a sophisticated society'? Instead a better society is more relevant
I think you should make good use of the first sentence in the conclusion more
Para 1: reap the benefits of sth.
Para 2: What did you mean "the others", better use just "others". This para, you didn't explain clearly why it's good for being a developed country. in your topic sentence, you pointed out that's the elderly' rights to work longer. Why it's related to developed countries. It doesn't make sense to me.
Para 3: government society's expense, this is a wrong expression. appeal to, rather than appeal for. Again, topic sentence, it, what's it? this pronoun was been overused.
Para 4: As for conclusions, there should not be new ideas included. wrong word: setback, should be drawbacks.
Suggestions: ideas were not arranged logically, and not convincing at all. You better work on brainstorming practice, and use words more accurately.