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Some people think that private schools should be banned.


vmtct 6 / 7  
Oct 23, 2013   #1
Can you give me some comments about my essay? I'm practicing for IELST

Public education has always been showing to be dominant toward its counterpart - private education in terms of reliability, student's attendance and financial support from the government. Many people argue that there should not be the presence of private schools since it is thought to be detrimental to the whole system of education. In my opinion, however, private schools are having betterment and steadily outweighing public ones in 3 following reasons.

First of all, private schools possess more flexibility in choosing teaching material, methods and assessments than the state ones. Since there is increasing involvement of bureaucracy in public education, private schools appears to enchant more resources from qualified teachers, outstanding students, which all consequently develop the quality of such mean of education. Moreover, with the free choice from endless sources for teaching, private education is able to acquire faster and more efficiently new technology, effective methods which are all then instantaneously applied to serve without much delay. This remains strong reason for why private school should not be banned.

For the second factor, as the governmental budget is limited, meanwhile the number of students is accumulating over time, mobilizing fund from private organizations or corporations to open schools for education is vitally important. With the money saved from investment for education, government will be able to fund other sections such as national defense, medical care or poverty reduction. In addition, thanks to the help of private organization, non-governmental schools will be fully equipped, the facilities are modern and always update, providing a convenient and comfortable environment for educating purposes.

Quality of private education is what disconcerted people most when choosing types of education, and this also brings me to my third point. The loss of money for nothing is what parents are usually concerned when having their children studying in a private school. In fact, hardly ever had any schools not been diminished as the social rule for having cheating people money with low quality of teaching. Schools in private system, indeed, also have to be in tough competition toward the others to attract more students and be fundamental, whereas state schools do not have to. In consequence, private schools still present in education system are the elite ones which should be kept to contribute more.

To sum up, in my personal view, the government should not only encourage private education system but also strive to balance between state and non-state school as well as provide the best condition for both types of education. Business and national corporations, at the same time, should also contribute more their revenue to this such important factor to the country development.
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Oct 23, 2013   #2
Public education has always been showingseemed to be dominant towardover its counterpart, the private education in terms of reliability, student'sstudents' attendance and financial support from the government.

student's - for one student ( singular form)
students' - for many students( plural form)

In my opinion, however, private schools are having betterment and steadily outweighing public ones in 3 following reasons.

.... don't use numbers in essay writing. You should use words instead.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Oct 23, 2013   #3
As a practice, include the essay prompt in your post for others to understand what it requires. It helps us providing you with more relevant comments.

In my opinion, however, private schools are having betterment and steadily outweighing public ones in 3 following reasons.

In my opinion, however, private schools do better in terms of ?????? ( tell those three reasons very briefly)

First of all, private schools possess more flexibility in choosing teaching material, methods and assessments than the state onesschools .

.... good.... you opened the body paragraph with the reason which is good :)
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Oct 23, 2013   #4
For the second factor, as the governmental budget is limited, meanwhile the number of students is accumulating over time, mobilizing funds from private organizations or corporations to open schools for education is vitally important.

... this is a very valid point.... good argument. However, when you have lengthy sentences they tend to confuse the reader. The reader needs to memorize many details and it disturbs his interest in your writing. Write shorter and clearer sentences.

You write very well.... Try with the structure dumi suggested. It's pretty logical and would help you manage time too.
MisterWandering 18 / 321 130  
Oct 23, 2013   #5
develop the quality of

contribute to the high quality of

Since there is increasing involvement of bureaucracy in public education, private schools appears to enchant more resources from qualified teachers, outstanding students

You could end this sentence here. The next sentence starts with: Consequently, they all contribute to...

as the governmental budget is limited, meanwhile the number of students is accumulating over time,

due to the limited government budget and the increase in student numbers over time

having their children studying

having their children study

as the social rule for having cheating people money with low quality of teaching.

owing to low quality of teaching

hardly ever had any schools not been diminished

in tough competition toward

in competition with

private schools still present in education system are the elite ones which should be kept to contribute more.

This sentence sounds too complicated. You could express the idea in a simpler way: As such, I believe that private education should be continued.

Business and national corporations, at the same time, should also contribute more their revenue to this such important factor to the country development.

I don't think this sentence is relevant to the topic.


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