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Some people think that wild animals should not be kept in zoos.

drjanck 2 / 6  
Jan 15, 2017   #1
Some people think that wild animals should not be kept in zoos. Others believe that there are good reasons for having zoos.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Hello, Holt I have written a different essay. It would be a great help if u could score this one too.

zoos - good for human, harm for animals?

Keeping the wild animals in the zoo has become a controversial issue. Some citizens have a belief that carnivores animals should not be kept captive. But, others are of the opinion having zoos are beneficial. In my opinion, wild animals should be set free in their territory rather than keeping them in the zoo for human entertainment.

On one side of the argument, some people prefer that wild animals should not be kept caged because it makes difficult for these animals to adapt. However, zoo authority will try to give natural habitat, particular to that animal but they will be confined to a restricted area, which in turn can make problematic to get settled in the new environment. Additionally, they are kept alone in a cage which can make them feel lonely.Either of these causes stated above can lead to the death of the animal. Furthermore, impounding these animals can lead to suppressing their natural instinct of hunting.

On the other side of this issue, zoos will benefit with a variety of reasons. Firstly, zoos are the form of an educational centre. As these zoos provide talks or even interaction with the animals, for children, it forms the avenue for them to know about a particular animal in that session in detail. Secondly, people visit zoo so that they can have a closer view of wild animals as it will not be possible to go in forest to view them.For example, In London zoo, we are able to have a closer look of penguins and can attend the show to know more about these animals.

In conclusion, having a zoo gives many positive effects for human beings but, it is doing no good for wild animals. Therefore they should live in their natural home.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,635 3478  
Jan 16, 2017   #2
Janaki, the task accuracy is still at a 3 at this point. Your paraphrasing is almost at par with the original statement. The only problem being that the prompt indicates wild animals in general and you focused the essay on carnivore animals. Do not use terms that not included in the prompt because it changes the meaning of the discussion. While I understand that you are trying to show a wide vocabulary in an effort to improve your lexical resource and grammar accuracy range, if you do not use the correct words in the essay, then using these average vocabulary words will not help to improve your score. Now, since your task accuracy is still at a 4 and your failed to present your personal opinion within the essay as indicated by the instructions, the essay will still not score higher than a 3 at this point. When you are asked to discuss both views then present your opinion, the format should be like this:

1. Introduction with paraphrased prompt
2. First opinion discussion
3. Second opinion discussion
4. Personal opinion
5. Conclusion with restated prompt

Try to follow this format for all the succeeding essays that you will write that asks you to present both sides and then a discussion of your personal opinion.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Jan 16, 2017   #3
My additional suggestion for you in this essay is that you are not suggested to write a predictable pattern by using particular cohesive devices that you have mentioned above e.g. "on one side...", and "on the other side..." . It seems to the examiner that your writing can possibly be indicated as monotonous. You are suggested to write by harnessing some vocabulary variations (cohesive devices) to start the paragraph. It is possible for you to mention "To begin with", "However", "Nevertheless", "Furthermore", "Regarding", "Concerning", "With regards to" or many more instead of the above-mentioned cohesive devices.

Also, I would also suggest you to avoid using "But" in the beginning of your sentence(s). For your information, "But" is one of the example of coordinate connectors. In a complete list, those are "FANBOYS", "For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So". These are coordinate connectors and shouldn't suppose to be placed in the beginning of the sentence(s). There are many possible cohesive devices that can be used to replace them. Some of them have already been written in the previous paragraph of this.

Overall, in my opinion, this essay is still worth at least 4 and not 3 because you still did explain and answer the questions even though mostly they lack of clarity.
OP drjanck 2 / 6  
Jan 16, 2017   #4
thank you. I will surely take care of those words.

thank you again. I will take care of synonyms. In this essay, I have presented my opinion in 1st paragraph. it is usually said to give the opinion and then support (correct me if I'm wrong). 1st opinion and 2nd opinion have presented but do u think they r not still par. Can u suggest the change in them?
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,635 3478  
Jan 16, 2017   #5
Janaki, the essay is asking you to do a number of things before you present your opinion. That is, to present a comparison discussion of the two opinions first, then discuss your personal opinion on the matter. In this case, you did not make it clear that the opinion being presented is your personal opinion because you did not indicate ownership of the opinion. Remember your first person pronouns? You have to use any of those when referring to the discussion of your personal opinion so that the examiner will know that you are doing exactly that in the paragraph.

In my opinion, the best way to discuss these sorts of essays is always to present the weak argument or the argument that you do not support at the start of the essay. That way, you have the opportunity to strengthen to side of the argument that you do support by indicating the discussion of the opinion first, then discussing your supporting opinion after. Hence the essay gains a logical presentation of arguments and develops an authoritative air in the discussion. You can of course, use your personal style for the discussion if you wish to. It doesn't really matter either way as long as your discussion comes across as clear and with an ownership of your personal opinion in relation to the sides being discussed.

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