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Writing Task 1 - how many people took computer science at university of UK?


The bar chart below gives information about the number of students studying Computer Science at a UK university between 2010 and 2012.

statistics of computer science study in UK



The bar chart describes how many people took computer science at university of UK. They are divided based on their gender and country's origin. It is noticeable that there were always more British students both in males and in females easy year while there was a sustained increase in all figures except in the figure of men in 2011.

In 2010, the number of male students from UK started at just under 40, 20 points higher than the number of international ones. The same trend occured in the category of females, in which the native ones were twice higher in their number than the overseas ones, at 30 and 15 respectively. There was a significant increase of local women by 15 in 2011 while the overseas female students rose slightly to just above 15. Meanwhile, in the male group, there was almost approximately 20.

The number of local and foreign learners increased remarkedly to above 35. In the contrary, the quantity of women's figures in both categories rose slightly to 45 for British and 20 for international students.

@holt, please examine this writing.




Feb 16, 2017   #2
Lincoln, the second paragraph of the essay is a bit confusing for the reader because you did not use the complete years indicated in your descriptions. There are year indicators for every figure that was shared in the bar chart. It would have been clearer if you discussed each figure from the chart based upon the year indicators and within 2 paragraphs. The two paragraphs could have grouped the discussion into an effective manner by indicating a collective discussion for the British home students first. Then, in the next paragraph, you could have presented the same type of collective discussion for the International students. That way the flow of the information presentation would have been easier to follow for the reader. Overall though, your work was pretty good on this essay. It could have possibly earned you a 5 in the final scoring overall.
Hi Lincoln, please you fix my few corrections

They are divided

They are CATEGORIZED...
(Please, you prioritise the meaning if you wanna pick up the word. Delivering the proper word is to get a higher score)

in females easy year while there was a sustained increase in all figures except in the figure of men in 2011.

Avoid mentioning the detailed information in the overview in the overview. it's better you write like this
Moreover, the female had always dominated for students coming from other countries.

at 30 and 15 respectively.

Be careful of including the data. I think tha data you gave inappropriate information because the bar does not stand out at 30. You are supposed to write " at approximately 30".

Apart form those all, you have fallen the vast mistake. You have missed the information in 2012. I don't know exactly how to group the data so that you produce the second body paragraph which can confuse readers. Honestly, before I review your writing, I need time for understanding your picture so that I know how to group the data well. In my vantage point, you should review examples of the writing task 1 so that you know grouping technique. The strength in the writing task 1 is how to pick up the attractive information through the grouping technique.

Hopefully, these can help you for improving your skill.
GOOD LUCK
Hi Abrahamlincoln,

It is important to give more stress on sentence structure. For example,

Meanwhile, in the male group, there was almost approximately 20

We can use other words to talk about trends, such as, dramatic, sudden, sharp, substantial etc

Hope it helps


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