I am hoping for the feedback of following writing. It was my first attempt in writing for IELTS. So, hoping for the honest feedback.
Many people are treating pets as their own family member. What are the problems and their solutions?
getting too emotionally attached with pets
Parents in numerous families consider domestic animals, as their own children. This essay will discuss about the fundamental issue associated with such ubiquitous way of behaving pets as family and suggest its relevant solution.
People definitely will have atrocious psychological effect after the loss of their loved ones. In a similar way, people with great attachment toward their pets are expected to have same effect. People often keep pets for the good companionship and eventually, end up being too emotionally attached with them. The lifespan of most common pets, particularly of dogs and cats, is considerably less than that of humans. It is therefore, most likely that people will face the loss of their pet in their lifespan. As a result, people tend to suffer from different mental illness and even lack acumen in doing general work. For instance, many psychologists are having regular patients frequently suffering mentally from the death of their pets.
The principal solution to this harmful problem may be keeping more than one pet at a time or preferably of different genders of same breed. This not only can have opportunity of having young ones if different sexes were allowed to mate but also help people to cope with the situation when one of the pets sadly dies. People, these days, are practicing of having 3 or 4 pets, mostly of different breeds or species to have better security of fellowship.
Therefore, getting too emotionally attached with pets is the main problem of treating them as family, which can be solved by having more pets than having only one pet. Hence, it is somewhat innocuous solution to the problem which otherwise can have violent effect on one's psychological state..I thinks this essay is good and well-written and organized. He has wide range of vocabularies with no misuse of words. The grammers are good but such little mistakes that can affect the score. I will illustrate them in the following:
"This essay will discuss about the fundamental issue associated with such ubiquitous way of " way must be ways To match the format of its nominal group, this noun should be in the plural form.
"can have violent effect on one's psychological state.. " the sentence should not end with double periods, just one.
"are practicing of having 3 or 4 pets, " It is highly recommended that the number 3 and numbers under 10 should be spelled out.
All in all, this is a good essay and you will get may be between 7-8. I am not proficient but theis scores are approximately may be totally wrong or right.
I'm not a native speaker but I hope my advice can be useful for you.
About the structure of the first main paragraph, I suggest you put a topic sentence first before trying to explain your point because it will your paragraph flows better. You can write something like "One of the most serious problems is that people get too emotionally attached to their pets". Aside from that, I think you've done a good job explaining and giving examples.
I also think that some of your short sentences can combine to make a longer sentence.
You need to learn to use your words accurately too. Some of the words are misused, and some don't go together, so it's a little confusing for me. Let me take some examples from your essay:
"Parents in numerous families ..."
You should use "People" instead of "parents" because a person can only become a parent if they have offspring. Some people who treat pets as children don't have real children, and the fact that their pets are seen as children to them doesn't mean that they become the "parents" of their pets.
Also, you don't need a comma before "as".
..., particularly of dogs and ... less than shorter that of humans"
Although your essay is well-structured, it has many small grammatical and lexical mistakes that make it hard to read, but I think for your first essay, this is quite good.
Wow,your essay is well structured and you have high level of vocabulary in your essay.
