hazardous nature of some sports
It is vital to improve our health by doing some sports. However, there has been a considerable rise in new dangerous sports such as sky-diving or rock climbing among people in recent years. Whether such extreme sports should be prohibited or not is still a contentious question. I believe that the government should regulate such sports strictly to minimize unfortunate risks instead of laying a ban on them.
Because of the hazardous nature of these sports, people who wish to take part in such sports are required to attend proper training courses to be issued a certificate. For example, after receiving basic skills and essential techniques from seasoned and licensed instructors, they will become more confident in their ability to perform such sports effectively, resulting in a decrease in mishaps. This is probably the most appropriate approach in place of interdiction.
Banning to engage in such sports will lead to the loss of good points to some extent. In fact, some of the dangerous sports can gain a reputation for a country's sport. For instance, rock climbing was recently considered a major event at the Olympics and there are a variety of sky-driving competitions held in places around the world. That country or contestants will be widely recognized if it wins.
In conclusion, the government should take stricter measures to reduce dangers and encourage people who are interested in trying such dangerous sports with a serious attitude by completing proper training.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 11,594 3760
The essay does not meet the 250 minimum word requirement. By writing only 244 words, the essay will be given percentage deductions based on the TA basic word count requirement. The preliminary score is already a failing one.
The response basis needs to mention an opposition to having the dare-devil sports banned in favour of regulation first then proceed to the reasoning basis of the upcoming discussion. This is to ensure that the essay will meet the opinion clarity requirement of the restatement + opinion paragraph.
The first reasoning paragraph does not clearly relate to reasons why the dare-devil activities should be government regulated. It does not connect in a proper manner to the discussion question and required response. The second paragraph is more relevant and actually offered an opportunity for reasoning expansion in the 2nd paragraph.
Personally, I think your essay is quite simple, it does not look like an academic essay.
In my opinion, you should spend more time on proofreading as there have been some apparent flaws.
- first 2 sentences in the first paragraph do not go along well as they don't show any contrasting meaning whatsoever. You should write: "
It is vital to ... sports. However, there has been a considerable rise in new dangerous sports such as sky-diving or rock..."
-There is some unsuitable word usage. For example, "loss of good points" can be "disadvantages"
-Grammar needs to be corrected. For example, "...there are is a variety of sky-diving..."