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Most people have watched a comedy show on TV with their families at least once in their lives; TOEFL


kibz95 16 / 53 15  
Jan 20, 2015   #1
The purpose of television should be for education, not for entertainment. Agree or disagree?

Most people have watched a comedy show on television with their families at least once in their lives. The feeling of laughing together alongside family members is a powerful emotion undistinguishable to other emotions. Television was and is the prime tool for entertainment for families, friends, lovers, and even pets. Therefore, the purpose of television should never be for education because the entertainment industry will plummet drastically and the charming points of individual culture will disappear.

Every year, numerous prominent actors who dedicated their lives on screens, are heralded for thousands of awards and honorable mentions. This fact alone indicates that the entertainment industry is immense and ranks as one of the most prosperous market of any markets. These actors and actresses make millions of dollars and most of this income is from dramas, game shows, or talks which are all displayed on the television. If the television was to be restricted to show only education channels, through what means will these actors display their work to? Indeed, to alter the purpose of television to education is the same act of dismissing every actor on screen which would drastically decrease profit from acting. To be more specific, there are thousands of crew members required to product a single television show. To dismiss every member would cause a colossal recession and unemployment. The US's main profit is through entertainment and they will surely suffer from depression. As anyone can see, the effect of this is too risky and dangerous. Therefore, the thought of switching the objective of the television to education is downright preposterous for it will debilitate the entertainment industry and cause a major unemployment dilemma.

In addition, television's purpose was originally for entertainment and the audience happily accepted it with open arms. Altering the very core of television will no longer please the audience which will result the television getting neglected heavily. In effect, the word 'television' will no longer be associated with everyday jargon for it has changed and abandoned its original purpose. Television is a major part of culture, displaying the uniqueness of the things around people. We learn how to make dishes, where to travel, and how to exercise using the television. Not only that, teenagers listen to the latest music, watch sport outcomes, and laugh at comedy shows through the television. To change the purpose of television would be ripping a major part of culture away as well. For example, if Korean television changed into education, the nation would be in an uproar. In Korea, it is customary to always gather other friends and family members to watch a soccer game together. These mad soccer fans would have no other means to watch their proud players going against another country. To change the television would be altering the very core of culture of a country. Thus, televisions should never reverse to education because that would destroy the culture of a country.

To summarize, televisions cannot change into education because it would drastically debilitate the entertainment market and destroy a country's culture.
(506)

Thank you so much! Any comments will be greatly appreciated!

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Jan 20, 2015   #2
Hi Kim, I was just wondering why you did not present your opinion in the introductory paragraph as clearly as you should have? The opening statement comes across as just a generalized line of reasoning in this case and as such, does not really reflect the prompt requirement. Kindly point out for all concerned what your actual opinion is by setting up the sentence in that manner. Use the pronoun I in order to make it absolutely clear to the readers.

I wish that you had managed to balance the essay by presenting both the supporting and non-supporting discussion in your essay. You have discussed the topic using only pop television as the basis of your argument. Which makes it flawed because you have failed to consider that there are 24 hour cable channels such as National Geographic, Discovery, and History Channel which exist for the sole purpose of educating people from all walks of live and ages. This is something that these television stations have successfully pursued for decades now. Thus proving that television can and should be dedicated to the education of people.

Television shows are always developed to help educate people. Programs from CSI, Grey's Anatomy, Homeland, State of Affairs, Scorpion, even the Food Network Shows are all designed to educate people in an entertaining manner. These shows all share one thing in common, they educate people in the guise of entertainment and people lap it up. Learning while enjoying the program. Considering the purpose of television from the point of view of these shows creators proves that television's sole purpose is to educate, the entertainment is something that just happens to result from their implementation of the show.

Give it some deeper thought. I think that you can still revise your essay to be more balanced and offer a more personalized opinion that is not so close minded in development. Think of the deeper reasons you watch television and how you have been intellectually affected by the shows that you watch. You will realize that most of your education stems from the shows you watch.
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jan 20, 2015   #3
Most people have watched a comedy show on television with their families at least once in their lives. The feeling of laughing together alongside family members is a powerful emotion undistinguishable(indistinguishable) to other emotionsfeelings (avoid repetition) . Television was and is the prime tool for entertainmententertainingfor families, friends, lovers, and even pets. Therefore, the purpose of television should never be viewed as an educational toolforeducation because the entertainment industry will plummet drastically and the charming points of individual culture will disappear (the introduction should not have too much details. You need to keep the reader interested in continuing reading the rest of the essay. In fact, you explain everything in the introduction. Chop off some details from the introduction and the thesis was a bit unclear.) .

Every year, numerous prominent actors who dedicated their lives on screens, are heralded for thousands of awards and honorable mentions. This fact alone indicates that the entertainment industry is immense and ranks as one of the most prosperous market of any markets. These actors and actresses make millions of dollars and most of this income is from dramas, game shows, or talks which are all displayed on the television(I think it is not necessary to explain how much they earn cause the topic is revolving over sth else.) . If the television was to be restricted to show only education channels, through what means will these actors display their works to? Indeed, to alter the purpose of television to education is the same act of dismissing every actor on screen which would drastically decrease profit from acting. To be more specific, there are thousands of crew members required to product a single television show. To dismiss every member would cause a colossal recession and unemployment. The US's main profit is through entertainment and they will surely suffer from depression. As anyone can see, the effect of this is too risky and dangerous. Therefore, the thought of switching the objective of the television to education is downright preposterous for it will debilitate the entertainment industry and cause a major unemployment dilemma (good body paragraph but too long. You could present it more briefly. You could simply say that show business provides many job opportunities that benefits many people ...) .

In addition, the number one purpose of television's purposewas originally forhas been always entertainment and the audience happily accepted it with open arms. Altering the very core of television will no longer please the audience,which will resulting in the television getting neglected heavily. In effect, the word 'television' will no longer be associated with everyday jargon for it has changed and abandoned its original purpose. Television is a major part of culture, displaying the uniqueness of the things around people. We learn how to make dishes, where to travel, and how to exercise using the television. Not only that, teenagers listen to the latest music, watch sport outcomes, and laugh at comedy shows through the television. To change the purpose of television would be ripping a major part of culture away as well. For example, if Korean television changed into education, the nation would be in an uproar. In Korea, it is customary to always gather other friends and family members to watch a soccer game together. These mad soccer fans would have no other means to watch their proud players going against another country. To change the television would be altering the very core of culture of a country. Thus, televisions should never reverse to education because that would destroy the culture of a country. (again good body paragraph but too long. If you can manage your time it is fine though)

To summarize, televisions cannot change into education because it would drastically debilitate the entertainment market and destroy a country's culture.

btw, wish your football team luck in Asian cup :))
OP kibz95 16 / 53 15  
Jan 20, 2015   #4
Hello Vangiespen, thank you for your comment! But there are some points which I disagree or must explain because I think there is a small misunderstanding here...

I think I stated my thesis at the end of my introduction paragraph, (Therefore, the purpose of television should never be for education because the entertainment industry will plummet drastically and the charming points of individual culture will disappear.) And for the first sentence, I used it as a hook sentence. (I don't have a lot of experience writing hooks so this was quite challenging for me)

Also, this is a agree or disagree essay... If I balance both points, I think I am not following the directions of the essay. It asks me if I agree or disagree and I can't say 'I'm in the middle' or 'I would disagree,,,, but agreeing makes sense too'... I had to choose a side. I do understand your point.But this is my perspective if televisions actually became education. I am aware that educational programs exist but I do not believe that they should prevail over the purpose of television.

And isn't this a personalized essay? I stated what I think and believe, stated several obvious evidence to support why I think like this, and used an example covering my explanation. In what way is this essay close minded?
OP kibz95 16 / 53 15  
Jan 20, 2015   #5
We meet again Ahmad. Thanks for your comment!
I used extra details to use it as a hook... Was it decent? or does it need some more work?
I am aware of how long my body is,,, but I heard from a teacher experienced in TOEFL essay that the independant essays will have to be very descriptive, so I made it longer than usual... but I barely, just BARELY made it in time. I wrote the conclusion in minute! Not fun... In any case, do you think the body details are bit redundant? Or do you think length is the only problem? Let me know!

BTW, thanks for cheering for our team. I hope we make it!
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jan 20, 2015   #6
I used extra details to use it as a hook... Was it decent? or does it need some more work?

it is a good motivator, I liked it, but the problem is that you sacrificed the thesis to the hook, cause you did not want to spend more time on the introduction and you was probably in rush to get to the body as soon as possible. As Luisa also mentioned you should clearly let the reader know that what side of the argument you tend to take.

but I heard from a teacher experienced in TOEFL essay that the independant essays will have to be very descriptive, so I made it longer than usual... but I barely, just BARELY made it in time

I don have any idea aboit TOEFL test, but I know that rules for writing a 5 paragraph essay are the same. One supporting sentence is enough. One example is more than enough. In body paragraph 1 you used one example but you elaborated it unnecessarily, in some part redundant to be honest with you (just my opinion)

I wrote the conclusion in minute!

if you have 30 minutes, you should manage to finish writing in 25 minutes and spend 5 minutes on editing your work.

overall, you write well. I like the words you use. Good luck :)


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