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Soon people who cannot work with computers will be disadvantaged- IELTS


ravenet 6 / 22 2  
Oct 14, 2013   #1
Dear Friends,

Please help me to review below essay for IELTS task-2

Soon people who cannot work with computers will be disadvantaged. To what extent do you agree or disagree with idea?

The computer is one of the most powerful equipment in the modern world. Furthermore, people are using it everywhere in their daily life. Therefore, I completely agree that if people are unable to the computer, it will have a negative impact on their daily routine.

Firstly, computers are using in banks to increase the productivity. The computers are used in banks for several purposes like monitor daily transactions, ATMs and online banking and therefore people should know that how to use the Internet in order to access online banking services and withdraw money from the ATM using their pin numbers via provided navigations.

Secondly, the workplace is another important sector where these indispensable devices are used in order to minimize the workload for employees. Consequently, it will help to companies to increase their revenue and also employees have more quality time to spend with their family. Moreover, the companies could expand their business beyond the boundaries as a result of emails, voice calls and fax.

Finally, the transportation is another sector where computers are widely used. There are many ways the computer programs are being used to control traffic in the cities. In addition to that it helps to record illegal activities such as burglaries, illegal parking and break the safety measures. As a result, it is play an important role in the transport sector and generate incomes as well as save the unnecessary costs.

In conclusion, the computers are using for several purposes in our daily life. Therefore, it is important that all people should be computer literate to use them effectively and efficiently.

Thanks

leoking 7 / 24 1  
Oct 14, 2013   #2
in the conclusion, maybe you can restate some previous idea
OP ravenet 6 / 22 2  
Oct 14, 2013   #3
Hi,

Thank you and is there any grammar mistakes, please highlight.

thank you
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Oct 14, 2013   #4
Well, in the body paragraphs you need to justify your position by giving reasons as to why you hold that opinion. This does not seem to be a reason for justifying why you believe that people who lack computer literacy would be disadvantaged. Then you should support that reason with an example. The most important thing is that you need to have your writing aligned well with the prompt. For example you can say;

First, the computers are used in every little aspect in life. For example, suppose you need to book a train ticket in a rush. Then you can do that booking on-line using a computer. If you are not literate with computer usage, then you would run into lots of problems to perform that simple task.
OP ravenet 6 / 22 2  
Oct 14, 2013   #5
Dear Pahan,

Thank you for invaluable advoice and I could see the point you have mentioned is very good. However, there is grammar mistake in your sentence. if we use first conditional, you can not use the would in the dependent clause, and you may use will/may/might/could.

If you are not literate with computer usage, then you would run into lots of problems to perform that simple task.

Can be
if you are not literate with computer usage, then you might run into several problems to perform this simple task.

thank you
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Oct 20, 2013   #6
First, you should open all your IELTS essays in Writing Feedback forum.

Furthermore, people are using it everywhere in their daily life.

Furthermore, it is used in every aspect of our daily routine.
OP ravenet 6 / 22 2  
Oct 21, 2013   #7
Dear Friend,

Thank you for comments, but I read we should not use the comma after "That".

However, you have marked In addition to that, it helps to

Please advice me.

thanks
OP ravenet 6 / 22 2  
Oct 21, 2013   #8
Dear Friend,

I have another doubt

the companies could expand their business

the companies can expand their business

What is the reason behind that you changed from could to can?

Thanks
leslav 2 / 2 1  
Oct 21, 2013   #9
ravenet
In this instance there should be a coma.

Well, I don't know how to explain this to you, I'm not a teacher really. Just read the whole paragraph and see that it sounds better with 'can'.
OP ravenet 6 / 22 2  
Oct 21, 2013   #10
Dear friend,

Thank you for your all feed backs and comments, Do you think is it full-fill band 7 criteria?

Thanks
Gulala 3 / 7  
Oct 22, 2013   #11
Firstly, I would like to mention some benefits of using computers. For instance, today the majority of banks use computers for several purposes, such as monitoring daily transactions...

P. S. better if you write an introduction for the first paragraph! and do not stop on one example, think widely)
OP ravenet 6 / 22 2  
Oct 22, 2013   #12
Dear Gulala,

Your sentence is not perfect and however thanks for your feedback.

Thanks


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