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ielts task 2 : - People should work a fixed number of hours per week


vipy411 3 / 3  
Oct 2, 2017   #1
"People should work a fixed number of hours per week and employers should not ask anybody to work more than this"
Give reasons for your answers and include relevant examples from your knowledge and experience.


FORCING EMPLOYERS TO WORK OVERTIME



Nowadays, employers are pushing workforce to perform beyond their agreed upon time in order to maximize the profits with limited or less expenditure. However, human body researchers recommend executives to not to assign extra work to their worker because it leads to mental health deterioration, poor social life and dissatisfaction.

First of all, long working hours cause depression to any individual. It is well known fact that if a human is focusing on one particular task for longer period of time the he might develop anxiety which would raise his frustration level. As a result he could face high blood pressure or high blood sugar medical problems. Thus, supervisors need to ensure that depending upon the job responsibility everyone should work for particular time duration.

In addition, every person on this planet has fundamental right to live a happy social life. An individual's health is determined by three major factors: finance, social life, and physical strength. While money is one of the important aspects and directly proportional to working hours but to become socially and physically fit one has to spare a significant amount of time for his family, friends, and exercise.

At last but not least, extra working hours sometimes cause dissatisfaction among the staff which could increase attrition rate of organization. For instance, TCS a giant Indian software firm, reported that last year 30% of its skilled personnel left the company because of overloaded assignments. Consequently, it lost many projects as it could not deliver its services on time due to shortage in staff.

In conclusion, organization's HR managers need to analyse although forcing their employees to operate for more time might give short-term benefits, for long term this might be a curse as they could loose their skilled labour.

I would appreciate he someone could score it in terms of ielts band for general ielts exam.

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,621 2516  
Oct 2, 2017   #2
Vipy, I do not believe that you can score higher than a 5 with this essay. There are a number of presentation and discussion issues that led me to decide upon that score for you. Most of the reasons for the low score are easy to fix, provided you can remember to do it in your succeeding essays.

First, you must always remember to present the prompt restatement in the first paragraph. You are never to discuss the facts of the topic without first presenting your understanding of the prompt requirements. Without that representation, your TA score, as in this instance was a 5. That is a lenient score considering that you did not even come close to a prompt representation. This is the example of what you have to present:

It is believed that people must only work for a specific number of days and time during the week. Employers must not take advantage of their workers by asking them to work overtime. In this essay, I shall present an explanation as to why this must be based upon my understanding and experience in the workplace.

After that prompt restatement, you could have used the paragraph starting with "First of all..." as the first body paragraph for your essay. The body paragraphs of your essay are also what provides the second problem with your essay. You do not really discuss the reasons you gave, which is required as a part of the paragraph information. Instead, you only offer sound bites for every reason in every paragraph. This results in an improperly developed paragraph that does not create a coherent or cohesive paragraph. This is a problem that is found throughout your body paragraph presentations.

Finally, the concluding statement does not close the essay. Rather it continues the discussion. This is also a violation of the essay format as the concluding paragraph cannot discuss new information due to the 5 paragraph rule. The last paragraph is always used only for the summation of the discussion and nothing more. It is because of these reasons that I feel justified in giving you that overall score.
LadyOfClockwork 25 / 79 20  
Oct 2, 2017   #3
I try to analyse the sentence.

"For instance, TCS a giant Indian software firm, reported ..."

Hi @vipy411, I don't recommend you to cite any research result or data in a real test. The reasons are listed as below:

1. You are denied access to internet, which means you cannot find any useful data or research result.
2. Examiners cannot verify the data you cite, so they would doubt your argument. The potential consequence is that the persuasiveness of your essay will be undermined.

You may use common sense to support your argument.
OP vipy411 3 / 3  
Oct 15, 2017   #4
@Holt
Thanks for your valuable inputs. I can understand most of your suggestions except one that your wrote " You do not really discuss the reasons you gave",

. Depression, happy social life and dissatisfaction are the reasons and i have explained them as well. What I think concluding statement in para 3 and 4 is missing. is that the problem?

or something else kindly explain " You do not really discuss the reasons you gave",
Jimmy879873 26 / 55 13  
Oct 16, 2017   #5
Hi vipy, seeing it from your essay, in the second paragraph, avoid using the personal pronoun to convey your message if you could.
Also, "three major factors: finance, social life, and physical strength." In this sentence, these are the elements for development to your paragraph.

Hope that help.


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