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The percentage of four different type of films distributed in Australia and Britain in 2001

Maitouyen282 9 / 26 3  
Mar 3, 2017   #1

numbers of cinema tickets purchased and movies displayed

The bar chart illustrates the percentage of four different type of films distributed in Australia and Britain in 2001. The line graph indicates the figure of cinema tickets bought in millions between 1980 and 2001. Overall, the most popular form of cinema markets in Britain and Australia was the US films. The number of British audiences choosing to go to the cinema was more than Australian viewers.

In 2001, both Australian and British people preferred watching the US films. In Britain, approximately 78% of the US films screened, compared to about 70% in Australia. While the number for the British films was more popular for British than Australia audiences, at 20% and 7% respectively, the Australian films have most popularity in Australia, at 10%. British people did not watch the Australian films at all. The percentage of the others in Australia stood around at 15%. By contrast, the figure of the others in Britain only reached 1%.

The number of people going to the cinema in Australia and Britain both climbed enormously. In 1980, the amount of people who went to the cinema was at 100 million and 40 million respectively in Australia and Britain. In 1984, the number of cinema tickets bought by Australian and British audiences decreased dramatically, at 60% and 255 respectively. In 2000, the percentage of British viewers went on 160 million, whereas the figure of Australian viewers made up 90 million.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 776 309  
Mar 3, 2017   #2
The resolution of the image that you have uploaded in your thread was too small. I can't see and analyze the diagram clearly. Therefore, I do apologize if my feedback below can't be as accurate as you expected. However, in the first paragraph, why don't you combine the first and second sentence instead of making them separated? It might look better because it can be considered as 'variety of complex structures' and it would possibly enhance your 'grammatical range and accuracy' score.

In the second paragraph, I am not quite sure about the 'language of change' that you've used. As far as I know, 'stood at' should be placed in the beginning of the paragraph and it indicates the starting point of a particular variable/data. Yet, you've put 'stood at' at the end of the paragraph in which it was also unclear because I can't see the graph that you've uploaded in this thread in order to check whether you've written the accurate percentage or not.

Overall, despite some words repetitions and some flaws that I have mentioned, I might say that this essay has generally addressed the requirement of the task clearly and it might get an acceptable score.

Hope this helps :)
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 15048 4830  
Mar 3, 2017   #3
To, when you upload the image, please make sure that it can be enlarged by the users of the forum. The image you uploaded is useless because it cannot be enlarged so that it can serve as a guide in considering the information that you wrote. Without the image, an accurate analysis of your work cannot be done. I suggest that you upload a usable version of the image in the next thread. This time, check the image after uploading to make sure that we can actually enlarge it for use.

I will not score your work this time due to the problem with the image. However, I like the way that you have started to come across in the essay. You have shown a clear progression of thought and you no longer sound like you are just repeating the information that you found in the illustration. So you earn points for that in my book, but it may not be enough to increase your score overall. It all depends upon what other information I find in the diagram. So please upload it soon for a more thorough analysis of your essay.
OP Maitouyen282 9 / 26 3  
Mar 3, 2017   #4
@Holt here the image
The prompt says:the charts show the share of the Australian and British cinema markets in 2001 and cinema admissions in Britain and Australia from 1980 to 2001

OP Maitouyen282 9 / 26 3  
Mar 3, 2017   #5
I did upload a image .Please come here and score the essay
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 15048 4830  
Mar 3, 2017   #6
To, you have shown marked progress in the way that you approach the development of your information presentation in task 1. the data is accurate and well presented. What is lacking though, is a transition paragraph between the first and second paragraphs which would have prepared the reader and introduced the next topic for presentation in a proper manner. The transition paragraph is necessary in order to show an ability to be able to introduce related topics in a single essay. That is accomplished through the presentation of a transition paragraph. A transition paragraph would also increase your score because you will show a greater skill in the grammar accuracy portion of the test.

Your discussion in paragraph 2 could use some work in terms of presenting related information. That means you have to learn how to group the years presented for discussion, along with their related data. The collective presentation of that information (e.g. figures from 1980 to 1988 indicate a fluctuating trend...) proves a deeper understanding of the information provided which negates the possibility of a mechanical presentation of the data you have been asked to analyze.

Due to the improved work on your part and your ability to better present the information provided, I believe that you can achieve a score of at least 6. This is a far better score than you used to get. So I am sure that this is the start of your improvement in writing these task practice tests. I look forward to reading your next essays.

Please make sure that you always upload the image with the essay and double check that the image can be enlarged so that I can better review your practice test the first time that you upload the essay. Once again, good work. You are getting better at this.
OP Maitouyen282 9 / 26 3  
Mar 4, 2017   #7
What does "transition paragraph"" mean? It means I should some words like Firstly,Sencondly,therefore.
.. or I have to make a paragraph? If i have a paragrapg ,please tell me the manner.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 15048 4830  
Mar 4, 2017   #8
Please ask your tutor to teach you more about developing transition phrases and paragraphs. That is an integral part of writing whether in a creative, academic, or casual setting. A transition sentence is used to connect two ideas together. That is done either with a transition sentence such as "While other people think this is true, there are those who think the opposite." With the discussion of the second idea presented in the next paragraph. The transition sentence will show that the topic of discussion is still related to the original topic and that the information to be presented next will help to improve the overall discussion in the essay. In this instance, you could have used either a transition sentence at the end of the paragraph, or created a transition paragraph for a more extended discussion that could have helped to improve your task accuracy and grammar range score.
nuradiapuspa 11 / 25  
Mar 5, 2017   #9
dear @Maitouyen282

Overall your essay is good. I am here is on learning process too. And this is a suggestion from me.
In my humble opinion, you could give variation word to serve the data. For instance, in the last paragraph you could write "in 1984, the number of cinema tickets bought by British decreased almost doubled than in first periode. This was also happened to Australian buyer which moved down by 15 million people.

Hope this helps :)

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