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Percentage of the leisure areas attended by 3 different groups of Australian inhabitants


aniani 20 / 20 13  
Nov 18, 2015   #1
A breakdown of the percentage of the leisure areas attended by 3 different groups of Australian inhabitants is shown in the bar chart. Overall, it can be seen that people living in Australia are keen on going to cinema, while theater is less popular than other 3 places.

The cinema experiences the most popular place to be visited by Australian people. The highest percentage of cinema's spectators witnesses to people who born in Australia, at 70%. While new migrants born in English-speaking country have less point than this. Then, it is just a half of new migrants born in other countries.

The other 3 places are less popular than cinema for Australian citizens. New migrants born in other countries tend to visit library, it has the greatest visitors percentage than another 3 places which is at more than a half. Secondly, the majority of zoo and theater visitors experienced in new migrants born in English-speaking countries, which is at a half for zoo visitors and at approximately a quarter for theater.

KenMugi 1 / 5 1  
Nov 18, 2015   #2
I think you have done decently in analyzing this bar graph however I believe there is room for improvement in terms of grammar and transitions.

Here's my edit. Follow what you like!

1st Paragraph:
... are keen on going to the cinema, while the theater is less popular than otherthe least popular of these 3 places. (Comparing 2 or more things, always use superlatives like most, largest etc.)

2nd Paragraph:
The cinema experiences the most popular place to be visited by Australian people.Here you could say either say: The cinema is the most popular place where it is largely visited by Australian people... or you could The cinema experiences the highest number of Australian visitors...

As seen in the graph, the highest percentage of cinema's spectators consists of people who are born in Australia, at 70%. While new migrants born in English-speaking country have a slightly less percentage than this, Then,only aboutit is just a half of the new migrants born in other countries visit the cinema.

The other 3 places are less popular than cinema for Australian citizens. (Elaborate a bit if you want to by giving the order of popularity) New migrants born in other countries tend to visit library where it has the greatest visitors percentage than anotheras compared to the other 3 places, which consists of half these new migrants.is at more than a half . Secondly, the majority of zoo and theater visitors experienced inare visited by new migrants born in ...


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