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Writing Task 1 - The percentage of people employed in various sectors in California.

Ngon 1 / -  
Apr 8, 2020   #1

Writing report basing on the provided table

The table illustrates the change in the tendency of working in Business, Government, Health, Manufacturing, Services, Retail and Information Technology in California from 2010 to 2020.
Overall, the only unchanged number is the proportion of people who work in Administration field. Although there is a noticeable upward trend in jobs that related to Health, Services and Information Technology, the remaining sectors witnessed a downward trend.

First of all, the percentage of the employee in Administration is stable unchanged at 13% in the ten-years period. In 2010, Retail/Fast Food was the most attractive industry with 24% of the worker before dropping by 8% (2020). At the same time, Employees who worked in Government, Services and Health accounted for 18%, 17% and 12% of California's workers respectively.

In terms of Health, the number is predicted to nearly double from 12% to 23%, which is the largest proportion in 2020. Besides, the percentage of Manufacturing will drop by half to 4% after ten years.

  • Sorry for notes on my picture, I could not find the topic on the internet so I took a photo by my ph
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,594 3760  
Apr 9, 2020   #2
The essay would have been well written if not for several flaws. Your time reference is off in some cases. When referencing information from 201, the reference time frame should be in the past tense. Only the data reference from 2020 should be given in the present tense. Additionally, since we are already in 2020, there is no need to refer to information in a predictive sense. It should not be uncertain since the information should be deemed to have already happened or is currently happening. Hence the future tense presentation format is not required, but the present tense discussion is.

You also have redundancies in word reference. Either say the percentage remains unchanged or, it remains stable. Unchanged and stable mean the same thing, no movement.

Singular - plural reference problems can also be seen, the reference word for worker should be workers, referring to the plural form of the word.

There is no need to capitalize the work field references as these are not proper nouns. By the way, to complete your summary overview, you need to always indicate what sort of measurement type is used. Also, since you are writing this essay for a university lecturer, it is best to use topic sentences at the start of the paragraph rather than a word count. A professor prefers to read paragraphs that are direct to the point. Don't beat around the bush. Just get to the immediate discussion at once. It will also help you increase your LR usage and GRA score.
nabilah_hannan 4 / 8 2  
Apr 9, 2020   #3
I think you should explain the upward trend in body 1 and the downward trend in body 2, don't mix it. Then, try to use fraction more, such as a half, quarter, fifth, so on.

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