Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

TASK 1 - Percentage of Tourists to England who Visited Brighton attractions

Pey28 8 / 13 1  
Jan 18, 2016   #1
The percentage of England Visitors who visited four different attractions in Brighton between 1980 and 2010 is illustrated by the line graph. It is noticeable that, despite some fluctuations, Pavilion and Festival were the most visited place by tourists while art gallery and Pier stayed in the bottom in the all frame time.

Turning first to Pavilion and Festival, they began the rate stood at around 22% and 30% respectively. The number of tourists who visited Pavilion grew slightly to nearly 28% in 1985 whereas festival saw a first decline to similar level. Although, there was a gradual fall in Festival visitors between 1985 and 1995 to 25%, when people who visited Pavilion peaked at almost two fold.

On the other hands, the percentage of Art Gallery and Festival visitors, witnessed a dramatic rise and a slight dip respectively in 1985. The Art Gallery saw a significant fall to 20% in 1990, then continued to incline slightly in the following year, which led to a gradual fall in the end of the period. However, the number on Festival saw a slight drop in 1995, and relative stable to 2010.

amrillahmk31 15 / 17 2  
Jan 18, 2016   #2
you missed several facts that should be presented. such as hit a peak or low, pier surpassed art gallery and so on. but overall your grammar is good
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Jan 18, 2016   #3
Naufan, your presentation needs a lot of work. Your introduction was short by one sentence and did not really summarize the story very well. Your over all approach to the essay lacked a definitive thought pattern and you did not really get your messages across as understandable as it should be. Now, let's get serious about the error correction below:

... in the all DURING THE SAME TIME frame time .

they began the THE BEGINNING rate ...
... f Festival saw a first decline...
... similar levelS.
... when people who ...

On the other hands ,
... visitors, witnessed ...
... continued to incline RISE slightly ...
...number on OF Festival VISITORS ...
... and WAS RELATIVELY relative stable APPROACHING to 2010.

As you can see, the errors in your grammar seem to have been caused by the rushed way that you wrote the essay. It is important for you to relax while writing the essay. Take your time, but leave around 5 minutes of the allotted time to proof-read your work. That is one way that you can avoid the errors that you made in this essay. That will give you time to catch and change any mistakes that you might find prior to submitting your essay.

Home / Writing Feedback / TASK 1 - Percentage of Tourists to England who Visited Brighton attractions