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Ielts writing task1 - percentages of population and wealth in world


handsome7boy 6 / 13  
Aug 9, 2014   #1
The bar graph illustrated provides information concerning several regions' population as well as the wealth being distributed by those areas (given in percentages)

If it comes to population, needless to say, China is a foremost country making up a quarter of global population. However, the prosperity of the country accounts for only 4 %. Quite similarly, the percentages of population of India and other Asia pacific are 10 % lower than that of china, but the wealth shares of these two regions is rather similar to Chine's share. While the population proportions of Africa and Latin America comprise 10 and 7 percent of all people in the world, their global wealth is at the same minimum degree as the aforementioned countries.

North America is dominating the list of prosperous countries forming the 35% of global wealth. The second leading area, in terms of money, is Europe whose distribution of money is just 5 % less than that of America. But these two continents' population is distinctive in percentage; America is at 5 %, Europe is at 15%. When it comes to Rich Asia-Pacific, its global wealth exceeds the percentage of population, hence the ratio is 5/15

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Aug 9, 2014   #2
If it comes to population, needless to say, China is a foremost country making up a quarter of global population.

This sentence is not written well, but it does demonstrate great understanding of the expression "needless to say" and also great understanding of the adjective "foremost".

The sentence is too long, and it uses too many words to express a simple idea. To write well, express ideas in fewer words.If something is "needless to say", then it probably is not useful to include it in your paper. After all, it is needless lol. : ) So you can type:

China's population comprises a quarter of the global population. Needless to say, [type something interesting here...]

North America is dominating the list of prosperous countries forming the 35% of global wealth.

This is great. It will be clearer if you put a, after the word "countries".

The point you are making is an interesting one, and it will keep the reader's attention. I just think you can make the first sentence much better. The first sentence should make the reader feel a sense of curiosity. It's great if you can type the first sentence with words that surprised the reader in some way. The first sentence of the first paragraph is like your left hand reaching out and putting your opponents guard in check, and the thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph is like a big right cross that catches him square in the nose and knocks him out of the ring. That probably is not a good explanation,lol. Here is a better one:

read that first paragraph again and ask yourself what is the reason it is important, and what is the reason it might be important to the person reading the essay or to any person. Type a sentence about that; make it an interesting sentence, and add it to the beginning of this first paragraph.

: )
OP handsome7boy 6 / 13  
Aug 9, 2014   #3
alright, dude, i got you!!! but the expression " needless to say" is interesting and can catch the reader's attention. the reason why i wrote " needless to say", anyone knows that the population of china accounts for the vast majority of global population.

so why do i have to put "a" after the word "countries", didn't u get what i was tryna say?
tiaDS 73 / 235 52  
Aug 10, 2014   #4
In the writing task 1, overview is must be written to increase your score. Here i wanna share a pattern which is usually used. 1; introduction paragraph (you have to rephrase the prompt and general information. 2; overview paragraph (mention main trend). 3; Body paragraph 1 (you can write the similarities which is depicted in the bar,char,table or picture). 4; Body paragraph 2 (you can mention the differences information among features). Don't forget to attach your picture to help readers when they review your essay.
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Aug 26, 2014   #5
Well, if this is for IELTS TASK1, you should have uploaded your graphs to enable us providing you with more meaningful feedbacks. Use the "Attach file(s)" feature in the Message Block to upload your image.

The bar graph illustrated provides information concerning several regions'about population in several regions as well as how the wealth being distributed byin those areas (given in percentages)

If it comes to population, needless to say, China is a foremost country making up a quarter of global population.

This task is about report writing and you need to report what the graphs present in a more concise and formal manner that suits report writing. The above sentences are ok for IELTS Task 2, but not for this one :(


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