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[IELTS writing task 2] Performance enhancing drugs : causes and effects?

hgianghgiang 7 / 14 3  
Sep 20, 2017   #1
More and more athletes are using drugs to enhance their performance. What do you think are the reasons and effects of this?

artificially enhancing muscle mass, endurance or speed

Here's my essay:

Performance enhancing drugs (or PEDS) refer to medicine with the purpose of enhancing an individual's muscle mass or endurance or speed. The ever-rising availability and frequent uses of PEDs among sportspeople has sparked concern. This essay will address two principal reasons for this action, along with some potential effects.

To begin with, it could be some unexpected incidents that prolong or postpone athlete's training section, such as an injury or a falsely calculated schedule. In order to keep up, sometimes relying on PEDs become a must. Secondly, nobody can deny the unbearable pressure on each athlete to live up to public's standard. This can come from the cutthroat competition in sports with countless athletes competing to win a very desirable position. This could also come from the society's molded perception of what a sport person normally looks like and perform like. All of these tension combine, posing a threat to every single athlete that only by quickening or cutting short their training process may they strive to fame, otherwise being far left behind, or even out of job. Not to mention, the additive power of PEDs has been proven, which explains why all athletes who have succeeded with their medication are bound to repeat this action.

Consequently, there are many downsides to PEDS use. Firstly, the drugs put users' health in jeopardy. Studies after studies have pointed out the severe side-effects to frequent PEDs use, including changing in hormone which leads to cancer. The main problem lies in the ignorance of athletes, despite forewarning. In fact, having acknowledged this, many countries have illegalized such drugs, carrying out strict punishment to the trading chain. America's famous annual sport games, NFL and NBA, are a prime example. Furthermore, athletes may fall into the vicious circle of adding fuel to the fire. Such unrealistic, popularized images they are aiming to maintain can act as a double-edge sword, encourage further over-reliance on PEDs, for them and the sport world as a whole.

In conclusion, the abuse of performance enhancing drugs is often stem from internal as well as external factors. Despite satisfying short-term pleasure, such drugs can have negative long-term impacts individually and socially. A cooperative partnership between athletes, sport competitions and government would be required to put on hold such alarming trend.

(381 WORDS)

l16611661 - / 2  
Sep 20, 2017   #2
I thinks this article is pretty good and professional.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,116 3262  
Sep 20, 2017   #3
Nguyen, in this essay, you created a very well developed opening paraphrase. It clearly represented the original discussion and the discussion instructions. However, you fell short in the body paragraphs and conclusion which will pull down the C&C section of the score. This will probably cause you to have nothing more than an average passing score instead of an impressive higher than average score.

The problem came in terms of the problems that you presented. There are 3 body paragraphs that could have housed your discussion. For each paragraph one reason could have been presented with the effects being presented in the final body covering a general discussion of the causes you presented. The reviewer is looking for a sense of clarity in your discussion paragraphs. That is why you are asked to present only one topic per paragraph. By discussing only one topic, you will allow yourself to fully display your English writing skills because you can focus on better explaining the reason you have chosen to present in its accompanying paragraph. That is not achievable when you present 2 or more reasons, as you did in this essay. When you have more than one topic for discussion, the tendency is for you just inform but not discuss the topic you presented. It is the discussion that you are scored on mostly in each paragraph so you cannot just mention a cause without fully developing the reasons behind it. The effect can be discussed in the third paragraph instead.

Your concluding paragraph shows a continuing discussion of the prompt topic rather than a summarizing of the content of the previous paragraphs. The summary of the discussion is the main focus of the concluding paragraph as this serves to act as an extension of the opening paraphrase, allowing you to now display an extended ability on your part to further restate the topic and give a shortened version of the cause and effect, with your closing sentence. When you continue the discussion, as you did in this essay, and include new information in the process, then you are not really concluding the essay. As the word implies, a conclusion is an end to the discussion. Even if you said "In conclusion", if the actual presentation does not conclude the essay, the examiner will realize that and deduct points from your final score accordingly.

You wrote a total of 4 paragraphs. However, the outline provided in the original prompt clearly has room for a 5 paragraph presentation. That is what you should have presented based upon the original prompt. The original prompt dictates how many paragraphs you should present and that is always 5 paragraphs. Never 4, never 3, never 2. Always 5. That is the best way to show off your English writing skills and prove that you actually have the English comprehension ability to enact instructions provided to you in a strong and accurate manner.
Wakalanud 3 / 7 3  
Sep 20, 2017   #4
hay @hgianghgiang

better if you avoid the use of it in front of the sentence because it will make the reader confused, since there is no explanation before to refer what sentences mention. Your first idea in first paragraph does not develop well, it supposes to have more reasons or explanations, while you directly jump to the second idea marked by secondly.

better if you change the word study after study have pointed out to "recent studies" have pointed out because it seems waste word. Remembering that you already reached the minimum word of writing task 2.

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