IELTS- Task 2: permanent job is more important than job satisfaction.

Topic:
Some people argue that job satisfaction is more important than job security, while others believe that they cannot always expect job satisfaction, and a permanent job is more important.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Please help me check my essay. Thanks a lot!

There are several arguments stating that the essential of being satisfied with occupation overwhelmings the eternal career. However, in my opinion, I am in great disapproval of this contention.

Admittedly, job satisfaction has a necessary role in the career as it enhances the effectiveness of the way of working. For example, if the worker is pleased with his job, then he will definitely complete tasks with the highest level of efficiency. In this sense, occupation contentment acts as working stimulation, which results in many chances of promotion later.

Despite the argument above, I believe a permanent job is more important in comparison to career pleasure. As for bosses, the sustain of working is prioritized over anything. To be more specific, a staff with a stable state of working is absolutely better than the one who will drop off job whenever having dissatisfaction. Under this circumstance, the more sustainable the way of working, the more favored the worker become.

On top of this, when impoverishment is spreading all over the world, the guarantee of a career should be considered as the most essential factor for everyone. Having a persistent job means possessing a stable income. Therefore, we can not only afford the cost of daily lives but also guarantee the life after retirement by financially accumulating. Besides, if there are unsatisfaction in our occupation, as long as having passion, we could try to improve the working condition or fix problems in order to be in long attachment with our career. In this way, I have a great belief that we should give priority to a permanent job over the gratification of work.

In the final analysis, from my perspective, whereas occupation satisfaction obviously has outstanding effects on the way we work, the advantages of having job guarantee still outweigh job contentment.

well, firstly i have to say that your idea quiet good.
However, I have some rcecommend for you such as:
"job satisfaction has a necessary role in the career " you can change "one of the important factor which can be observed in the career if the job satisfaction"

The sentence: "having a persistent job....." doesn't have subjec,so you can correct " the employees who have a persistent... means...."
You should choose either "in the final anylysis" or "from my perpestive", i think you shouldn't use both, it will make the sentence is more complicted

There are 3 avenues for discussion in this essay that should have been properly represented in the prompt paraphrase. These are:
- Some people argue that job satisfaction is more important than job security
- others believe that they cannot always expect job satisfaction, and a permanent job is more important.
- An indication that a comparison of the 2 discussion points will result in your personal opinion.

Your prompt paraphrase is severely lacking in proper discussion representation. You should have indicated a restatement of the 2 topics and reasons and merely implied a point of view after a comparison is done. You cannot give an opinion that is not based on the comparison of the 2 discussion points.

The lack of gender free pronoun usage in the first 2 discussions indicates that these are not explanations of the public point of view as required in the discussion. Instead, these 2 paragraphs are reflective of your personal opinion alone. That runs counter to the discussion instruction that expects you to deliver an explanation of the public point of view in a manner that highlights your understanding of the public opinion.

Your overall discussion format is incorrect. The correct format is:
Par. 1 - Prompt restatement
Par. 2 - 1st Public POV explanation
Par. 3 - 2nd Public POV explanation
Par. 4 - Personal opinion based on a comparison discussion of the 2 POV
Par. 5 - Concluding paraphrase of the previous discussion topic, public POV, and personal opinion.