The essay tries to delineate the opinion above
The responsibilty to stay healthy
Many people believe that each individual is responsible for his or her own well-being and the governments play no role in this matter. However, while this opinion is correct to some extent, there is still some flaws in it and this essay will try to shed some light on it.
First of all, it is undeniable that the major responsibility lies in the hands of the residents since health is greatly influence by every day activities. It depends on the diet and work-life habits of each person, which are entirely under the autonomy of each individual. Secondly, governments are incapable of interfering or preventing bad habits, as long as they do not violate the law. For example, if a person decides to work overtime and continuously skip meals, government has no power to stop he or she to engage in such toxic behaviour since it does not breach any regulations.
On the other hand, human beings can be affected by their surrounding and living standards. Some negative factors of the overall society can badly influence health. These elements can hardly be changed by the effort of a single citizen and wiil require serious measures from the authorities to deal with them. Some evident instances can be pointed out are air pollution and the quality of the healthcare system. The former is quite common in urban cities, where dwellers suffer from various respiratory diseases due to the fumes and exhaustion from cars and industrial activities. As for the case of medical services, getting access to better healthcare system may help people get vaccinated and be immune to numerous diseases, or they can receive the right treatments once they need it and quickly recover.
In conclusion, I do not agree with the appointed perspective. The responsibilty to stay healthy belongs to both the people and their government. Hence, there should be efforts from both sides to maintain the well-being of the overall society.
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In order to properly write a task 2 essay, you must first, learn to understand what the essay requirements are. If you do not understand what you are expected to write about, you end up with your essay, an incorrect representation of the given discussion parameters. Writing a severely long essay, which does not respond to the prompt requirements will not result in a passing score. Focus less on the word count, more on the proper discussion paragraphs based on the prompt expectations.
Analyze the prompt of the essay:
Argument 1: Some people say that health care and education should be the responsibility of the government
Argument 2: others think that it is the responsibility of the individuals themselves.
Discussion Requirement: Discuss both views and give your opinion.
After you dissect the prompt, brainstorm or outline your discussion points:
Reasoning par. 1: Responsibility of the government because? (Second person or group pronouns)
Reasoning par. 2: Individual responsibility because? (Second person or group pronouns)
Personal Analysis: I support the belief that? (First person pronoun)
Guess which of the above elements are missing in your presentation? Yup. The personal analysis portion is never presented in the recap section, which is what the concluding paragraph is all about. The personal analysis should show how you considered the positive and negative points of each discussion, in order to arrive at your personal support opinion / analysis.
The missing element is what caused your essay to be considered under developed and not fully explained. By limiting your personal opinion to 2 sentences at the end of the essay, you do not fully utilize the benefits of an extended discussion. That is why this type of essay is more efficiently presented as a 5 paragraph essay.
Hi, I am a learner too, specifically for writing task 2. So, let's study together.
From my opinion, overall is good, the words are over word count limit. Thats great!
Okay, based on my correction, your essay should strongly show where the side of you, agree or disagree, without mentioning both side of views.
You conclude it with strongly agree or strongly disagree then just close the statement.
Thank you both for your thorough feedbacks @holt @yulia.
I tried to conclude in the last paragraph that I did not agree with the "appointed perspective", i.e: A person's health is their own responsibility rather than the government's responsibility, but giving it a second thought, a more firm and nuanced answer should be better!
And also, thanks for the structure Holt, definitely a good tool to clearly cut it down and make sure that I fully address all key points.