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Toefl essay A person you know is planning to


Keng 39 / 134  
Dec 23, 2009   #1
Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill.
I am not expert in writing and grammar.so kindly help me
Thank you.

The question is that

A person you know is planning to move to your town or city. What do you think this person would like and dislike about living in your town or city? Why? Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay.

There are manys reason that I want a person to move to my city. I focus on high school education as major advantages. The person are able to choose a suitable school for his teenager. His teenagers have an opportunity to learn and exchange konwledge with professionals, and use technologies which help facilitate their learning. If a person move to my city, it cannot be denied that benefits are given to newscomers as do city residents.

To start with the example, Mr john, a farmer, want to have his son admitted into an international school. He wants his son to have a better life; therefore, he decides to immigrate to a capital city. After moving here, he has several choices to put his son to the school. Eventually, he makes a final decision to let his son attend The Saint Joseph International.

Furthermore, After attending this school, his son becomes more knowledgeable than he used to be. In the past, he did not have a chance to get a lot out of a school, because in rural areas, there are not enough qualified teachers to educate students. However, when studying at The Saint joseph school, he is likely to consult with skilled teachers who help him improve learning ability to compete with other students in the school.

More important, he has a chance to use computers provided by the school to make his study easier. The school in which he was do not have enough computers to help learning. The reason is that the school are in a remote area. However, the situation is changed completely, After studying at The Saint Joseph International school, he can use a computer to surf the internet. He can search for information necessary for projects assigned by a teacher in classroom. Moreover, he can practice thousand online exams for coming final examinations at the end of each semister.

In conclusion, The city to which I suggest a person to move has many benefits. One of them is education. As the person I recommend to live in the city is a farmer who do not want his son to eke out a living wage, i explain incentives: his son can select his preferred school: he can exchange experience in learning with experts to continue higher education and he is opened up to other sources of knowledge which is not gained if he went on studying at the high school in a rural area.

hitchhike 14 / 27  
Dec 23, 2009   #2
hi

semister semester and some other dictation errors (like manys )

what happen to shortcomings of your city, something that Mr. John's son would not like? Becaese the topic says, you should talk about both positive and negative points of your city
OP Keng 39 / 134  
Dec 23, 2009   #3
If i write shortcimings of my city,which forms the essay should be. preference or explanation.

Anyone help me!
OP Keng 39 / 134  
Dec 24, 2009   #4
Any help!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Dec 25, 2009   #5
I focus on high school education as a major advantage. The person is able to choose a suitable school for his teenager. His teenagers have an opportunity to learn and exchange knowledge with professionals and use technologies which help facilitate their learning. If a person moves to my city, it cannot be denied that benefits are given to newcomers as do city residents.

Furthermore, after attending this school, his son became more knowledgeable than he used to be.

Use a spell check program:
...end of each semester .

Nice! You make some mistakes, but your meaning is always very clear. Kep practicing!!
OP Keng 39 / 134  
Dec 26, 2009   #6
Thank you for feedback, Kevin.


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