A person's worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status and material possessions. Old-fashioned values, such as honour, kindness and trust, no longer seem important.
Money Became the Measure of Everything
It is inevitable that some people strongly consider more social conditions and worldly goods rather than good characters such as trust and honor when they meet others today. In this case, personally, I agree with this notion and will explain with several relevant examples in this essay.
Firstly, one major issue is perhaps caused by lacking in old-fashioned values due to money-oriented attitude. In the recent days, people tend to take social qualities into account ranging from how much they have money, cars, and homes to even jet planes. This affects their pivotal decision regarding their future like a marriage. In Indonesia, for example, person wanting to marry will look and choose wisely her bridegroom by considering at how much money and homes. Last information, The Jakarta Post - an English of Newspaper, reveals that a young female get married an older man who had 3 cars and 5 houses. By this meaning that the bride has avoided the important values such as good looking, trust and kindness because she prefer to person who has valuable possessions.
Turning to another reason, having a great status is truly respected more rather than good personalities in measuring a person's worth. This results in their considerations in political election, for instance, where the majority of people believe more in candidates who have high social status like elite-generating candidate such as police compared to those who have a moral credibility in society as well as leadership like imam, a person leading people in mosque. It seems that people prefer modern-statues value to old-fashioned value.
Take everything into account, people living in modern world objectively judge measure others using the number of material possession and the social statues.
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The essay does not follow the correct requirements for the original prompt. The instruction prompt for this essay indicates:
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience.
This being an extent essay, means that you need to use emotional words to describe your opinion. Words like strongly, partially, and considerably, among others, help to evoke a sense of the degree by which your opinion carries your agreement or disagreement with the given statement. The supporting examples will be used to reiterate that opinion through a series of supporting statements of commonly known facts.
Speaking of commonly known facts, the essay prompt asks you to base your defense of your singular opinion ( as required to be discussed in this essay) on your personal knowledge or experience regarding the given information. That said, the method by which you provide examples and supporting information in the essay is incorrect. By stating that the writer needs to use examples based on personal (own) knowledge and experience, the examples from the newspaper will automatically disqualify your essay from receiving a high score in terms of task accuracy. That is because your response is not based on personal information but rather, upon research. You will not be allowed to use research in the actual test setting because the test computers will be on internet lock down.
Each paragraph should not be more than 5 sentences in response. You will need to learn how to use the following format for each body paragraph:
1. Topic sentence
2. Explanation 1
4. Explanation 2
That is the best method by which to present your responses. Do not use tremendously long sentence that will qualify as a run-on sentence. Do not rely on using commas to connect separate thoughts either. You will end up presenting incoherent sentences that way. You made that mistake in the opening statement, and the concluding statement. The 5 sentence rule applies in both instances. The rule of thumb is, no less than 3, no more than 5 sentences per paragraph.
That said, this is a good first effort, but you require further guidance in the proper presentation format and tightening of the sentence presentations in order to gain a high mark for this essay. You have the potential to gain at least a score of 8 in your presentations. You just need to practice and apply corrections in order to improve your presentation. You show that you understand the prompt to a certain extent, you need to familiarize yourself with the different discussion formats for the Task 2 essay in order to understand the correct approach to the discussion. Try to read the examples here, that will help you understand the different essay requirements for this test.