The advocates of this theory arguably have some sensible justifications that support the fact that the world is becoming more & more materialistic since it can be observed in our daily life that there is a high competition of new technological inventions & people are desperate to get their hands first on new advanced products.
Unless your name is Henry David Thoreau, you are not allowed to write sentences this long. It looks to be at least fifty words.
There is also a race for social status as some people have ascribed status but other people are struggling hard to achieve a status
You've used the word "status" three times in one sentence!
The essay is an IELTS five.
Write an outline of the essay you've posted above. If you find it hard to do, then you'll be able to see what I consider to be the biggest problem here.