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Persuasive essay on implementing uniforms at schools


Sr7248 1 / 3  
Nov 10, 2010   #1
Hello I'm Sarah, and im new... haha,
um...im doing this persuasive essay for english
the teacher didn't say to put in quotes yet,so...here goes
P.S: this is just the first draft so just write back to tell me how it is so far
and tomorrow i will write my second draft with corrections of both your corrections, my teacher's and my classmates'.Well here goes...
P.S.S: this is a persuasive essay on uniforms by the way.Has to be 5 paragraphs and 8 sentences minimum

Draft #1

Uniforms should be implemented in schools. The reason why I agree is because students will learn to respect each other. After all, looking professional is a good way to give a first good impression. Respect could also be gained through the discipline students get from wearing uniforms. Also, buying uniforms could be a great way for parents to save money. I mean, uniforms cost $500 max, but if you think about it, Hollister is way more expensive. Plus, if you think about it, parents would save more money buying uniforms than new shirts, pants, AND shoes to replaces old or teared up ones. This essay will explain why students learn to respect each other and why uniforms help families save money.

However, there are also arguments to why uniforms should not be implemented in schools. The fact that there would be not diversity and it could lead to a rebellion or protest. Also, they might say that uniforms are boring, especially since you'd have to wear the same thing everyday. Which is what could affect a person's (most likely children or teens) self-development and discovery. There is also one thing that I have to admit that I agree on. The fact that uniforms won't stop the fact that students will still get bullied or teased. By making students believe the opposite, this would create a false sense of security. Which is not a good thing for teens and especially children, since they might think that the world is all about safety and respect... which is not the case.

On the other hand, I think that schools should have uniforms for the simple reason that this could teach students to respect each other. Let's say that a popular girl comes to school with short shorts and a cutoff shirt. Yes, she's popular, but she's not going gain respect from serious, mature people.All she is basically doing is attracting attention from perverted people and disrespect herself and school rules. However, uniforms may not be cute, with the lastes models, but at least this show's people that (even though it's not the case) you respect yourself. With uniforms, students will at least be treated equal and will learn how to dress more approppriately, which is not what i see teens do these days. Anyways, because equality is established, team spirit, ambassadorship, discipline, loyalty, and maturity will also follow, since they won't see the importance in unnessecary things, but in attitude and academic progress. This could also make the schools's reputation a good one.

Most importantly, using uniforms could help the family during tough times. In my opinion, uniforms are way cheaper than normal clothes. You pay one price for a whole year. For normal clothes, usually the price varies because of the brand. For example,one Holister shirt might cost up to $50 for all I know. One Southpole jean was $87 the last time I checked. Uniforms may not be that popular, but at least you won't have to pay a total of at least $100 everytime you go shopping.Anyhow, by buying uniforms, this could really help families, especially now, since the economy is growing worse.

Using uniforms could have a negative impact, but let's face it.
People say that uniforms could lead to rebellion because students will want diversity
or because they think uniforms are boring.Even I think that uniforms won't stop bullying or gangs.
But at least gangs won't be noticeable, since the members would be wearing uniforms. This would
also decrease the fear of being bullied. Anyways, just because students won't have originality or "be themselves",
as they say, doesn't mean uniforms don't have benefits.
Wearing uniforms will show students that they are all equal, that no one is better than the other.
These students may not like each other, but they won't go teasing others for what they wear.
Uniforms will show them respect for one another.I believe that another benefit will be that parents won't have to pay
$1000 or more for clothes per year. Yes, uniforms might cost from$90-$500, but at least the cost for clothes will be
cheaper per year. Plus, parents also need money to pay for groceries, gasoline, bills, and other more important stuff.
This is why I, and other people, agree that uniforms should be worn at school.

diarramarie1 2 / 5  
Nov 11, 2010   #2
My advice is develop a strong thesis statement and complete and introduction first of all.The writing sounds as id you were talking to a friend so twek it up a bit. on the other hand you have good points and if you use transitive sentences and to avoid straying away from the main topic the essay will be great. I like the points you made about uniforms making it cost effective for parents
OP Sr7248 1 / 3  
Nov 11, 2010   #3
thank you very much but...i did write the thesis statement. Unless the way i did it was wrong?
Also could you give some ideas on how to make the intro better? And how do i use transition sentences?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,324 129  
Nov 19, 2010   #4
Hi Sarah, welcome to EssayForum!
Well, you make a lot of good points in the part above, but it is what I call a "rant" because it goes from one idea to the next with no organization. I think you should give an intro that lists your main arguments at the end of the paragraph, summing up the whole paper.

Paragraph 1:
Uniforms should be implemented in schools. The reason why I agree is because students will learn to respect each other. After all, looking professional is a good way to give a first good impression. Respect could also be gained through the discipline students get from wearing uniforms. (now add a thesis statement that lists your most important arguments and conclusions)

Then, begin each paragraph with a TOPIC SENTENCE that makes one of your arguments. For example, the topic sentence for paragraph 2 could be this:
Also, buying uniforms could be a great way for parents to save money. I mean, uniforms cost $500 ...

You made a lot of good arguments here! It just needs better organization.

Google this as an exercise: thesis statement how to structure an essay

:-)
Deadmaster 3 / 5  
Nov 19, 2010   #5
Using "If you thinking about it" isn't a good idea.
As Kevin said, you need more structure, try to give a focus to every few sentences, and stay on focus. At first you talk about students respecting each other, but then you go on to talk about discipline, and how "inexpensive" school uniforms are, and then it becomes a headache.

Try using better transition words like Furthermore, etc.
OP Sr7248 1 / 3  
Nov 22, 2010   #6
thank you very much...sadly i don't think that my class is going to continue the essay thing.Looks like we're moving on to Romeo and Juliet haha

but thank you anyways... maybe we could keep in touch...as friends maybe


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