Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 6

⚠ A Contributor has already posted here! For more answers, please re-open and Urgent this thread!

Physical activity in Australia - Writing task 1


NTDimaria /  
Oct 10, 2022   #1

Physical activity in Australia



(Writing task 1) The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisions where relevant.

The bar chart gives information about the proportion of men and woman of different age groups in Australia got regularly physical activity in 2010. Overall it is clear that the rates of women who did regular physical activity were higher than man in almost age groups.

in the age group of 15 to 24, there was 52.8% male citizens got physical activitay regularly (higher than female 5.1%), follow by 46.7% of 65 and over, 45.1% of 55 to 64, 43.1% of 45 to 54, 42.2% of 25 to 34 and 39.5% of 35 to 44. As can be seen in 2010, young Australian men were more physically active than middle-aged and older men.

Regarding the data of women, the percentage of women did exercise from 35 to 44, 45 to 54 and 55 to 64 were 52.5 %, 53.3% and 53% respectively, significantly higher than the male's index. But in the age group of 15 to 24, the proportion of male was higher than female, and the proportion of female 65 and over was 47.1%, more than male 0.4% only.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,410 4391  
Oct 10, 2022   #2
A paragraph is always composed of at least 3 sentences. The summary overview does not meet this minimum requirement. There should be at least one more sentence indicating the age ranges being compared, as well as the measurement representation prior to the trending statement. That said, the trending statement is general enough to not need any actual measurement references. It was developed well enough to deliver the overall comparison of the image presented.

The second paragraph tends to confuse the reader as the writer relied heavily on measurement presentations without using clear separators or image references to the percentages presented. These resulted in incoherent paragraphs and a confusing overall paragraph presentations. Expect large C+C and GRA deductions because of these problems. Try to add a little bit more description next time. Simply relaying the information provided is not enough. There needs to be clear reports and comparisons based on proper sentence structures and paragraph format presentations. The third paragraph was a little better developed and presented but could still have been better presented with the proper formatting and creative writing considerations.
lequy1209 2 / 2  
Oct 18, 2022   #3
You should phrase topic
You shouldn't show any data. you should concentrate outstanding point.
AnnaDao 1 / 2  
Oct 18, 2022   #4
-For the overview, I think it would be more clear if there was one sentence refering about the tendency of age groups in the activity (e.g: which age group mainly enjoys doing physical activity)

-In terms of the categories, using specific name to paraphrase the age groups (e.g: the group "15 to 24" can be paraphrased to "teenagers and young adults") might reduce the confusion when there are so many numbers in the paragraph.
segrid15 2 / 4  
Oct 28, 2022   #5
HI,

I think you can think about the structure when jogging down your answers.

For the IELTS writing task 1, you should have at least three paragraphs.

The first paragraph you have to paraphrase the following questions and try to put more information in the chart or graph you have seen.

The second paragraph should be the overall concept. I would suggest you to build a clear paragraphs, so the readers can directly get to your point.

The third or fourth paragraph should contain more detailed information from the chart.
nataliely 3 / 4  
Oct 29, 2022   #6
The overall section should be clearer with trends, the group with highest figure and lowest figures.
You should replace range of ages by specific terms.


Home / Writing Feedback / Physical activity in Australia - Writing task 1