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TOEFL: Physical education or art and music course: which one should be excluded first ?

jam92 4 / 7 2  
Aug 27, 2018   #1

keep art and music, exclude physical education

Direction: For this task, you will write an essay in response to a question that asks you to state, explain, and support your opinion on an issue. Typically, an effective essay will contain a minimum of 300 words. The quality of your writing includes the development of your ideas, the organization of your essay, and the quality and accuracy of the language you use to express your ideas. You have 30 minutes to plan and complete your essay.

Topic: When schools do not have enough funding or teachers, some people think physical education classes should be cut, while others believe that courses in art and music should be eliminated first. Which do you think is preferable, and why?

Kindly rate me in between 0-5. My response is given below:

No doubt school education is important to a student's life and it actually shapes the future of the student. Physical education, art and music courses are not excluded from this list of education. However, personally, I believe physical education is not as important as art and music courses especially when schools lack resources like funding and teachers. Hence, physical education can be eliminated first if the corresponding school struggles to provide all of the courses mentioned above.

In every aspect of our life we have limited resources but unlimited problems. In such case we consider priority list to reach our goal. We choose the most important task first then we consider the least important tasks. For example, if I have 1 dollar and I have to choose between food and recreation, I would definitely choose food as becase it is at the top of my priority list. Similarly, between physical education and art and music classes, physical education is the least important to me since this is something that I can do by myself. On the other hand, art and music is something that I can't understand without the help of teachers. So, If my school lacks funding and teachers, I would definitely want them to include art and music courses first not physical education.

Moreover, art and music has more practical impact on a student's social life in comparison to physical education. From history we can see that artists and musicians can influence the society in a greater extent. They can depict the society in their works creatively that can touche millions of people at a time. Even they can contribute to society by changing its views through their brilliant works. On the other hand, physical education mostly concentrates on the development of single individual. Therefore, art and music courses will be more beneficial for the society in a greater extent.

In conclusion, for the larger betterment of the society, schools that lacks financial or personnel resources should keep the art and music courses in their list first and may exclude the physical education.

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,561 2482  
Aug 28, 2018   #2
James, due to the totally unrelated discussion of tasks in the second paragraph, you really confused the reader. That portion had irrelevant specifics which caused a questionable response to the task. As far as I am concerned, that paragraph focused too much on the unrelated food discussion when you could have used the actual prompt topic for the discussion, thus keeping on track and not including useless presentations that strayed from the topic of discussion. That is why I had to score this essay as a 1.

Paragraphs 1 and 3 were definitely helpful to the discussion as based on the original prompt presentation and were really informative. However, your paragraphs have sentence structure and spelling errors, as well as wrong vocabulary usage. All of these factors added to the reasons why I could not score you higher based on the overall consideration for your essay.

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