the Importance of some school's subjects
Personally, I think physical education is an important subject that students should attend. Thus, it's preferable to stop art and music classes instead and that for two main reasons.
First, students need to keep fit and healthy. Sports play an essential role in the learning journey of students inside schools. For example, it helps them to raise their attention span, clear their mind and aids them to reduce stress. Also, this subject needs a large space to practice it. that means that is not possible to do it at home and must go to special places for it like a stadium.
what's more, art and music can be learned at home with the help of parents. for instance, they can draw, dance, listen to music, or even learn from the internet and apply what had learned. Furthermore, it can be integrated with other school subjects. such as English, history, or any other language. Art and music are always learned within other school classes. So, stopping this class will not have a bad impact on student progress.
Thus, eliminating art and music will be the best choice since the students can still learn it from other materials. Then, they can keep attending sports subjects that they like to stay fit and have good health.
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The writer failed to meet the 250 word requirement. This will automatically prevent the writer from achieving a passing score since there are applicable percentage deductions applied when the word count is not met. More missing words will result in more deductions. This essay only has 213 words. One can only imagine the amount of deductions that will be applied.
Scores will still be applied to the remaining sections but, it will not be enough to overcome the deductions. Always check the word count. That is normally the reason students fail the test. Aim to write 5 sentences per paragraph to meet the word requirement.
I believe the wordcount situation occured due to the incomplete restatement + opinion paragraph. Rephrase the original topic properly, include the reason for the discussion, then give your opinion. That is the 2nd big error in this presentation.
U should paraphrase the introduction into this sentence
for example : It is argued that physical, art and music subject in school should be dismissed. (Then you can continue with your opinion whether you agree or not with the statement)
In your opening, you say ''thus, its preferable to stop art, which is unrelatable to your former assumption:''I think physical education''
''Help them to do'' => ''help them do sth''
''Also, this subject ... it, which means that is not possible ...''
Conclusion: you should focus more on your sentence structure, use more connectors such as which, who, where... and less simple sentences