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TOEFL(Physical exercise is more important for older people than for younger people)

vickey 9 / 18  
Jun 3, 2012   #1
As technology has developed dramatically, our life is getting more and more longer. It means we can prolong our life span easily as time goes by. That is the reason why senior people should exercise than younger people. It is very easy to love longer, however it is very difficult to live healthy. For older people, exercise is more important than younger people because of the following reasons; they don't have enough chance to move their body compared to younger people, their metabolic system is very prone to be broken.

First, elder people don't have enough change to exercise. For young people, they consume calories more since almost them are working and hang around people. However, almost senior people retired from their working places. It means they usually stay at home and spend time to doing indoor activity. It is not got for their health because it can prevent to consume their calories properly. For enhance their healthy life, they should exercise. Young people can replace their exercise with their social activity, but older people cannot. They should intend to exercise everyday for this reason.

Secondly, as people is getting more and more older, the metabolic system is getting less efficient. Metabolic system is very important function for healthy life. Regular exercise can enhance the metabolic system. Moreover, older people cannot digest properly because their lack of metabolic system. If they exercise everyday, it can be very helpful for their digesting function.

We cannot doubt that as time goes by, life span could be getting longer. It is very important for us to live healthy than to live longer. Young people don't have to worry about their healthy so seriously because they have vigorous amount of social activities. However, older people should exercise more than young people. It can keep their life healthy and make them also happy since mental healthy came from physical healthy.

ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jun 4, 2012   #2
I think you should be more careful about the coherency of sentences. Make your supports stronger and just focus on what you state in the topic sentence of each paragraph. In some paragraphs you stated many different matters which confused me. Finally, try to support your opinion in three paragraphs. This essay has two paragraphs as the body
OP vickey 9 / 18  
Jun 6, 2012   #3
Thanks Ahmed,

My writing is getting worse.
I am so frustrated.

I think it's better to rewrite my essay.

Your correction is really helpful.
Thank you!!

If I rewrite my essay, could you please check mine again?
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jun 6, 2012   #4
Hi, I would be happy if I could help you. Do not be disappointed, I am sure that you can get a good score in the TOEFL test.


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