Hello!
Could you please take a look on my writing and give me suggestions to improve it? Thanks!
Some people say that physical exercise should be required part of every school day. Other people believe that students should spend the whole school day on academic studies. Which opinion do you agree with?
Although some people believe that students should spend the whole day on academic studies, I nevertheless believe that physical exercise is a crucial part of every school day. Exercise is good not only for having a good health body, but also for the mind. In addition, including exercise in children's daily routine, it is a good way to teach them the importance of physical activity from an early age.
Physical activity helps children to grow up physically healthier. As studies have shown that the rate of obesity in children has increased every year, it will be very beneficial for children to have a daily physical activity and get a break from being sitting several hours at school. In addition, exercise will help them to not be less exposed to illness related with cardiovascular, higher blood and cholesterol issues.
Daily exercise will help also to develop children's brain function. It is well known how important it is to exercise regularly to help the body system to work better. When people exercise, the respiratory system's function is enhanced, helping all organs, including the brain, to get more oxygen in. Daily exercise will provide children with a mental break which will boost them to be efficient learners.
Having children in the daily exercise routine from an early age will teach them the important value of having physical activity in their every day routine. Children are bombarded with lectures about nutrition and physical activity; however, they will be more beneficed if that knowledge can be put in practice. Moreover, they can stick with the routine and make the daily physical activities a good habit on their whole life.
Including physical activity in children's school day should be strongly considered. It will meliorate not only mental and body health, but also will establish in children a habit of doing it, giving them the opportunity to measure the worth of including such an important activity in their daily live schedules.
Hi,
very well written but toefl essay should be 300 words. So try try elaborate your ideas more.
In addition, including exercise in children's daily routine, it is a good way to teach them the importance of physical activity from an early age.
Last sentence is really long try to split it into two.
...whole day on academic studies, I nevertheless believe that agree about the idea of including physical exercise is a crucial part of every school day.
The end of the first para: That first paragraph has only 3 sentences... it will be better to add one more.. perhaps a sentence that lists the three main points you are going to make in the essay.
...but also will establish in children a habit of doing it, giving them the opportunity to measure the worth of including such an important activity in their daily schedules .
Excellent, this is great!
Exercising is good for a healthy body and brainthe study will get benifit form good healthy . It is well known how important is to exercise regularly towill help the body system works better. When people exercise the respiratory system function is enhanced, helping all organs, including the brain, to get more oxygen in. Daily exercise will provide children with a mental break and healthier body which will boost them to be betterefficient learners. furthermore,as studies have shown that the rate of obesity in children has increased. there will be one more reason for children to have physical activity and get a break from being sitting all day at school.
Hi again!
Thanks for the suggestions. I really appreciate your help!
I made some changes. Could you please read it again and give me your thoughts?
Thanks!
Excellent, at this point, the way to improve it is to cite reliable research data from journals such as those found through google scholar, questia, jstor, ebsco, or a similar database. This is good writing, so it deserves to be supported with good citations of scholarly research -- but perhaps that is more than what is necessary for TOEFL!!!
If you really want to get it perfect, you can fix this: In addition, including exercise in children's daily routine it is a good way to teach...
Here below, it is "teach them the value" ...and "everyday" is one word as an adjective... and it is "their routines..."
...will teach them the important value of having physical activity in their everyday routines.
