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The pie chart depicts the main three reasons which led to the degradation of agriculture in the 90's


kaun 2 / 5  
Nov 23, 2016   #1
Hi all, I have just started writing IELTS task 1, please help me to correct and evaluate band score. Thanks in advance!

The pie chart below shows the main reasons why agricultural land becomes less productive. The table shows how these causes affected three regions of the world during the 1990s.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.


The pie chart depicts the main three reasons: overgrazing, over-cultivation, deforestation which led to the degradation of agriculture in the 1990s. The table illustrates three regions, North America, Europe and Oceania suffered land degradation from those reasons. Overall, as we can see that the percentage of over-grazing is the highest, and Europe experienced land degradation most.

Looking at the first chart, 35% of land degradation due to overgrazing; deforestation followed, accounting for 30% of land degraded. Moreover, there was a major percentage of 28% of farmland degradation caused by over-cultivation, while only 7% of other reasons made agriculture becomes less productive.

Turning to the second chart; it is clear that Europe had the highest percentage of land degraded, at 23% in total with 9.8% of land affected due to deforestation, 7.7% due to over-cultivation and 5.5% affected from over-grazing. In contrast, North America suffered the lowest percentage with 5% of land degradation in total, 3.3% of land degraded caused by over-cultivation, while 0.2% and 1.5% of land degradation due to deforestation and over-grazing respectively. Regarding Oceania, there was 13% in total of degrading farmland on this continent, therein 11.3% of land affected from animal grazing compared to 1.7% of land impacted from deforestation.




akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Nov 23, 2016   #2
Hi Kaun ..
These are my thoughts toward your summary.


the main three reasons: overgrazing, over-cultivation, deforestation which led...

You have to observe the chart more detailed because there is also another factor. It is better if you write
THE PIE CHART REVEALS REASONS WHY HAPPEN THE GLOBAL LAND DEGRADATION, AND PERCENTAGES OF THAT CIRCUMSTANCE FOR THREE DISTINCT AREAS ARE SHOWED IN THE TABLE.

Overall, as we can see that the percentage of over-grazing is the highest, and Europe ...

When you present the overview, you do not give vague information.
Overall, it is important to note the primary cause of the degradation in the whole world was overgrazing. Turning to the specific region, this matter occurred the most in Europe.

... 35% of land degradation due to overgrazing; deforestation followed, accounting for 30% of land degraded WAS CAUSED BY OVERGRAZING DOMINATING AMONG FACTORS. THAT RANK WAS FOLLOWED BY EFFECT OF THE DEFORESTATION AS THE SECOND HIGHEST PROPORTION RECORDING AT 30%.

... reasons made agriculture becomes BECAME less productive (You are supposed to be consistent in using tenses).

Turning to your explanation about the table, you passed the prompt of writing task. Your paragraph seemed listing the data. Our job in the writing task is to compare the figures, not to describe the data separately.
OP kaun 2 / 5  
Nov 23, 2016   #3
Hi @akbarmappiare. Thank for valuable corrections and guidances. I really appreciate it.
alfinkurnia 33 / 47  
Nov 23, 2016   #4
Hello this is my correction for you, feel free to correction me too.

The pie chart shows the main three reasons: ...

this is my tips for your writing:

first, you must remember in part one you should write at least 150 until 165 words.
second, you must using various sentence or words, and attention your grammar and speeling.
overall must put in introduce, don' input number in first paragraph.

thank you, I hope it can help you.
Bams17 28 / 43  
Nov 23, 2016   #5
The pie chart depicts gives information the main three main reasons: overgrazing, over-cultivation, and deforestation which leads to the degradation ...
The table illustrates three regions, North America, Europe and Oceania ... . Overall, as we can see that the percentage of over-grazing is the highest, and Europe experienced land degradation most.

Looking atin the first chart, 35% of land ...
... a major percentage of 28% of farmland degradation ...
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Nov 23, 2016   #6
Hi Kaun, below are my thoughts on your analysis.

- The pie chart depicts the three main three reasons:
- Oceania that suffered land degradation
- from thosethe mentioned reasons.
- is the highest, and Europe experienced land degradation the most.

- Looking atAt a closer look of the first chart,
- 35% of land degradation is due to overgrazing;
- Moreover, there was is a major percentage
- while only 7% of other reasons made agriculture becomes less productive.

There you have it Kaun, I believe this is my first review of your writing project and I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision. I did left the last paragraph for you to follow though with the modification and exercise your proof reading and editing skills, this should develop certain skills and it will be very beneficial to your future writing projects.


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