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IELTS1 - pie chart marking the retail sections of the online sales in Canada during 2005 and 2010

May 29, 2018   #1

the sale records over the internet

The two pie charts compare the retail sections of the online sales in Canada during 2005 and 2010

Generally, it is obvious that electronic and appliance dominated most of the online sale in 2005, while majority of the online sales in 2010 was food and beverage. In contrast, video games had the least influence in 2005, but the smallest proportion of online sales was replaced to home furnishings in 2010.

It is clear that the figure of food and beverages increased significantly to 10% more in 2010 and became the highest online sales. At the same time, the video games sales rose slightly from 18% to 23% over a 5 years period.

At the beginning, home furnishings was the second highest online sales, made up of a quarter of the charts. But it decreased dramatically to 15% after 5years. While the electronic and appliance accounted for 35% of the online sales for retail sectors in 2005, it experienced a declination to less than a third in 2010.

  • Tast 1 pie chart

maurice0422 1 / 3 1  
May 30, 2018   #2
Hi Emily!

I think the IELTS essay you did was pretty good. However, there are few points I'd you to take note also.

*Instead of using "obvious", try to replace it with the word "apparent."
*Try finishing explaining/comparing each part of the pie one by one in different paragraphs (or a single one depending on the instructions). Example: When you talk about the increase/decrease of video games in 2005 and in 2010, please create a comparison of all other remaining parts of the pie graph - electronics and appliance, home furnishings and food & beverages

Hope this helps. Thank you!
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
May 31, 2018   #3
This report writing is well put, but some improvements are needed. Let me start with the opening paragraph. In this part, you wrote an introductory paragraph with a sentence. Some sample answers suggest this, but as per the rule of Academic Writing, a good paragraph at least consists of three sentence. Also, the way you paraphrase the question is too close to the original prompt. It is strongly suggested that you'd better make some changes for this.

If you see and read the IELTS Band Descriptor Task 1 more closely, then you will find the huge diversities between a 5, 6 and 7 in terms of Task Achievement. It is an overview that makes them different one another. Hence, if you think that you need a score above a 5, then writing an overview is a must. What is the overview? It is general trends or main features that come up in the data which will be broken down in the body paragraphs. You can put this overview after the opening or the last paragraph you have.

You need to keep your messages succint and to the point. Some generic phrases like Generally, it is obvious that, It is clear that and At the beginning, should be omitted as they are too commonly used in students' essays.

Hope this helps :D

Eddy Suaib, IELTS Kampung Inggris Pare

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