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Writing task 1 : pie charts- players of electronic games in South Korea

Hammy 13 / 35  
Nov 5, 2018   #1
Please leave your comment and show me how to get high score...

south korean gamers 2003

Given are pie charts illustrating information about players of electronic games in South Korea in 2003.

Overall, the main age of players dropped into people under 18 instead of over 36 or between 18 and 36. Significantly, the major gender of players was male, not female, in types of games they liked as action, sports, racing, education, role-playing and others.

Firstly, male playing electronic games took account a large proportion (72%), as nearly three times as female with 28%. Besides, proportion of people under 18 was 39%, just higher 1% than this between 18 and 36. The rest was for people over 36, closely a quarter of the age of player pie chart.

Secondly, it's clear that action games made up more than two-fifths and took the biggest part in types of games. The second was sports games with 20% and racing games with 17%. Especially, the proportion of education games just reached to 7%, which was the same to role-playing games. Others remained only 6%.

Thanks for reading!

ayyubjbr 2 / 1  
Nov 6, 2018   #2
... about the players of ...
... people under 18 ... 36 or ... 18 and 36.

==> for safety do not input number in overall. It is dangereous I think more safety if you just input event that happened.

... of players were male

Overall good for Task Achievement in 166 words.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,252 3656  
Nov 6, 2018   #3
Diep, this is an incomplete summary overview. You need to present the types of measurements provided in the pie charts (age, games, and gender), the type of measurement (percentage), and then the single sentence trend. Try to avoid presenting any information in a parenthesis because there is no optional information in the chart. I know you are trying to make your presentation more complex but the complexity does not lie in the format of the presentation but rather in the presentation of the information within the sentence instead.

You did a good job writing more than 150 words. You did not do a good comparison and analysis job by presenting only 3 paragraphs of 2 sentences each. The best scoring task 1 essays always use 4 paragraphs with at least 3 sentences per presentation. Your paragraphs are mostly composed of run-on sentences, which you should avoid doing for a better GRA score. Always use periods in the paragraph presentation that represents two different ideas in one sentence. Don't use a comma because different ideas need to be presented separately instead of as connected information.
OP Hammy 13 / 35  
Nov 7, 2018   #4
thanks a lot
i recognised i had some problems in arranging sentences and putting commas
i'll try to make it right...

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