Noticeable figures for expenditures in two countries
The pie charts presents the overall family spending in Japan and Malaysia in the year 2010. Overall, it is noticeable that both countries allocated smallest proportion of their budget on health care.
Japan allocated most of their money on other goods and services with 29 %, which was 3 % higher than Malaysia. Meanwhile, Malaysian spent most of their budget on other housing, more than one-third, while Japan only spent 21 %. On the other hand, Japan spent one-fifth of their expenditure on transport which was twice than Malaysian expenditure. However, Malaysian spent bigger money on food (27 %) than Japanese did with 24 %.
Although both states allocated the smallest of their expenditure on health care, a domination was shown in Japan with 6 % which twice than Malaysian family. On the other words, it can be seen that Malaysian family spent a half lower than Japanese in both transport and healthcare.
Hi, I am just correcting some errors
The pie charts
presentspresentthe overall (...) and Malaysia in the yearof 2010. Overall, it is noticeable Noticeably, both countries allocat the smallest proportion of their ...
First and foremost, it was such a good essay for writing task 1 IELTS, all the components have been fulfilled. Included:
1.Introduction (Background and Overview)
2.Main body 1 and 2
In addition, the essay are well-ordered and you give such a full interpretation on the charts.
However, you have to more tweak your essay and I would like to give my humble opinion on your enormous essay.
The pie charts presents " should be replace with "The pie chart presents" or "The pie charts present", you have to more pay attention on tenses.
Secondly, if you use superlative, you have to put "the.." in front of it, such as "The smallest" then your overall should sounds like "Overall, it is noticeable that both countries spent the smallest proportion...."
Lastly, its better if you add some "connectors" in Body Paragraph 1 such as "Moving to a more details...," or "Looking at the figures.." to beautify your essay.