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The pie charts reveal about the outcome of study which was conducted in 2005 and 2009

UQ17 3 / 4  
Dec 8, 2016   #1
The pie charts reveal about the outcome of study which is conducted in 2005 and 2009 by interviewing the employees about their relationship with supervisor and partner job and it is measured by percentage. Overall, it can be seen that the pattern of both data were upward trend. In other word, the highest portion was relation with co-workers in 2009 and the lowest was relationship with supervisor in 2005, at very good category.

According to the data, in 2005, workers response of relation with supervisor in very good aspect was slight over half at 61 percent and in the next year this aspect hit point at 65 % in 2009. Interestingly, in 2005 workers who have supervisor only 1 percent however in 2009 it was slight increased by 4 % from 1 percent.

On the other hand, in the relationship with co-workers the majority sample said very good dominate at 63 percent and this aspect increased slightly at 70 % in 2009. In addition, in don't have co-workers and poor items had similar portion at 1 percent in 2005, but in the next period they vanish from list.

Phuong_Loan 1 / 2  
Dec 8, 2016   #2
I think that the following Presa be replaced as the following:
The pie charts reveal about- > The given pie charts indicates= A quick glance at the charts indicates that
Overal l= As can be clearly illustrated by the charts
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Dec 8, 2016   #3
Apart from grammatical errors in the first paragraph, I can see you misinterpreted the word "pattern" and "trend". These two words are essentially the same. When you mention an upward pattern, it also means an upward trend. It somehow conveys the similar meaning and therefore, mentioning both of them in a single sentence is not acceptable or redundant. Thus, I suggest you to choose one of them.

Inaccurate cohesive device such as "however" that appears in the middle of the sentence would also bring detrimental effect towards your band score in terms of Coherence Cohesion. Also, it is obvious that you over-use them. If you take a closer look on your body 1 and body 2, you will see that each sentence has its own cohesive devices and this can be considered as over-use. Thus, you can only get 5 in the actual test.

Additionally, overview is supposed to be the general aspects of the chart given. It is not just simply mentioning the highest and the lowest data. This can be considered as "no clear overview" and therefore, 5 is the maximum possible score for this type of essay. You can just write like this: "the data indicated a very good relationship among workers either supervisor or co-workers, and even it increased significantly until the end of the period." to create a clear overview of the chart given and possibly gain 6 or above in terms of Task Achievement.

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