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IELTS TASK 1 - The pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors


ainirere /  
Apr 10, 2016   #1
The pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013.

The pie charts depict the sales of online shopping in terms of retail in New Zealand for the year 2003 and 2013. It is noticeable that travel, film and music have cornered the online sales throughout the year while books are the least.

In 2003, 36% was the highest proportion that has spent for travel sector. Moreover, the other retail sectors had nearly same percentage where the second largest was 24% for selling clothes, then 21% for entertainment sector in this terms are music and film and the smallest online earning was 19% for selling books.

However in 2013, film and music has soared to dominate the online shopping sales at nearly half of proportion of other retail sectors. Herein, travel declined to the second highest percentage at 29%. Furthermore, the others were minorities in which books increased at 22% and clothing decreased as the least was only at 16%.




ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Apr 11, 2016   #2
Aini, I would like to remind you that this is the wrong 'forum category' for posting IELTS task 1. You should post it in 'Writing Feedback' category. However, I am going to give you some feedback and corrections anyway. At first, I notice that most IELTS learners forget to write at least three sentences for each paragraph in task 1 before that paragraph can be considered a strong and solid paragraph by the examiner. Then, most IELTS students are making the common mistakes in composing complex sentence. It seems like they force to put it carelessly, without realizing that the sentence is inappropriate. For example:

- Moreover, the other retail sectors had nearly same percentage where the second largest was 24% for selling clothes, then 21% for entertainment sector in this terms are music and film and the smallest online earning was 19% for selling books.

Yes, I agree that this is complex sentence, but it is also a 'confusing' complex sentence. This is because you mix present and past tense there. Moreover, coordinate conjunction also placed carelessly, which makes it redundant.

My suggestion is that, 'accurate/perfect' simple sentence is still better than (confusing) complex sentence.
Remember the scoring criteria for band 5:
- attempts complex sentences but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentences


That's it, I hope you find my feedback is useful for your future development.

Keep writing aini, good luck! :)
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Apr 16, 2016   #3
Hi Rere, here's another help from my side.

- corneredgathered the online
- the year while books arehad the least.

- that haswas spent
- for the travel sector.
- terms,are music and film
- was at 19% for selling books.

- of the proportion
- HereinMoreover , travel
- decreased asat the least,
- is was only at 16%.

There you have it Rere, I hope the suggestion are useful to your revision.
What I notice in most of your sentences is the lack of linking verbs that is associated to completing the idea of the sentence. This are just minor details, such as punctuation marks, but believe me, they mean a lot in getting that idea across your readers, so be cautious on this matter.
Hengki Yonathan 4 / 4  
Apr 17, 2016   #4
The pie charts depict the sales of ...

The pie charts depict the selling online shopping in terms of retail in New Zealand classified by four categories for the year 2003 and 2013.

it just additional for the pharaprase in the first sentence, you can include the data from pic to describe more clear information, like classified by ...


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