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The pie graphs compare the proportion of average budget spent by household for 6 specific categories


Yunghsin 1 / 1  
Sep 6, 2016   #1
The pei graphs compare the proportion of 6 categories of spending by homes in a country between 1950 and 2010. It is clear that the majority number of expenditures by homes is 'housing' in 1995, while 'food' become the number one of household spending in 2010.

According to the figures, 72.1% of 'housing' is the most number of household expenditures in 1950, compared to dropped to 22.0%. Also, there was can be seen a small decline patterm which was 'education' - from 6.6% in 1950 to 6.3% in 2010.

However, completely different trends reveals other categories throughout the period shown. Apart from 'housing' and 'education', other portions all rose. 'Food' obvious substantially climbed from 11.2% in 1950 to 34.11% in 2010. 'Other' and 'transportation', at the same time, they both grew over 10%. The former increased from 4.4% in 1950 to 19.2% in 2010, while the latter rised from 3.3% in 1950 to 14.0% in 2010. Interestingly, 'Health care' showed a small growth just at 2.1%.




akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Sep 6, 2016   #2
Hi..
These are my thoughts for your writing.

The pei PIE graphs compare the proportion of 6 categoriesof spending by homes OF AVERAGE BUDGET SPENT BY HOUSEHOLD FOR SIX SPECIFIC CATEGORIES IN a country between 1950 and 2010. It is clear that the majority number of expenditures by ...

OVERALL, IT IS IMPORTANT TO NOTE THAT A LEVEL OF EXPENSE FOR FOOD SUCCESSFULLY SURPASSED THE BEGINNING POSITION OF EXPENDITURE FOR THE HOUSING CATEGORY. IN ANY CASE, WHILE THE PERCENTAGE OF THE EXPENSE FOR THE HOUSING AND SCHOOLS DECLINED, OTHER FIGURES EXPERIENCED A REVERSE TREND. (These are my alternative overview)

Make sure that you write more than 2 sentences in a paragraph .

I have read your writing closely. I suggest you attend the comparisons amongst the figures to boost your score..
GOOD LUCK
:D
ramzi06 9 / 17 4  
Sep 6, 2016   #3
Greetings Mr / Mrs Yung-hsin HU
here are some correction that come up in my mind,

... compared to dropped to 22.0% ("to" in this format should be followed by "bare Verb" or "noun") to other graph that showed downward trend to 22% . Also, there was can (double verb) it is be seen a small ('small" is not appropriate in this case, since it refers to size) slight/minor decline pattermpattern which was 'education' ...

that's all, thank you.
CMIIW
Naoki28 10 / 18 2  
Sep 6, 2016   #4
Hi, Yunghsin.
Check the amendment below.

The pei pie graphs compare the proportion of ...
... while 'food' becomes the number one of ...

... 72.1% of 'housing' is was the most number of household ...
Also, there was can could be seen a small decline ...

However, completely different trends revealsed other categories ...
... while the latter rised rose from 3.3% in 1950 to 14.0% in 2010.
aidafitria18 9 / 14 1  
Sep 6, 2016   #5
I suggest you to use language changes for percentage:

- a very large majority for 75-85%
- a significant proportion for 65%-75%
- a minority for 10%-15%
- a very small number for 5%

overall, you have good language changes but you'd better improve your essay better than before. You should also pay attention subject-verb agreement and mispelling which is still found in your essay.

keep writing and spirit
Faridadwi18 67 / 104 13  
Sep 6, 2016   #6
Hi Yungshin,

- The peipie graphs compare the proportion ...
... while 'food' become the number onefirst rank of household spending in 2010.
- ... 72.1% of 'housing' is the mosthighest number of household (...), compared to dropped to 22.0% which was happened in 2010 .
- Also, there was can be seen a smallslight decline patterm which was 'education' ...

It is better if you do grouping, so you do not need to explain all numbers.
Hopefully it helps.
ondemande20 5 / 6 2  
Sep 6, 2016   #7
hi yung, here some suggest from me, hope we'll improve our essay together..

The pei graphs compare the proportion of 6 categories of ...
The pie graph displays the percentage of household expenditures which have six categories such as housing, food, health care, education, transportation in a country between 1950 and 2010.It is clear that the majority number of expenditures by homes is 'housing' in 1995, while 'food' become the number one of household spending in 2010.
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Sep 6, 2016   #8
Hi Yung, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Team, I hope you find this website to be helpful as well as useful to your revision and future writing projects, we aim to provide you with the most accurate feedback that will hopefully strengthen you essay in order for you to submit your article with confidence.

Having said that, please find my suggestions below;

- The peipie graphs
- compareillustrate a comparison of the proportion
- becomebecame the number
- one of household spendingexpenditure in 2010.

- compared to dropped toa decrease of 22.0% in 2010 .
- Also, there was can be seenis a small
- decline patterm which wason 'education'

- However, a completely different
- trends reveals other categories
- showed a small growth at just at 2.1%.

There you have it Yung, I hope the above additional modifications are useful to your revision.
OP Yunghsin 1 / 1  
Sep 7, 2016   #9
revealsed

Thank you ALL soooooooooo much!!!!!!!
I will do my best !!!
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Sep 7, 2016   #10
Hi Yung, no worries at all, I would love to review your final paper and I believe your revision will be a stronger essay that is ready for submission.

I also suggest that you follow the suggested remarks and modifications of your essay, this should be able to create a far better essay, well constructed sentences and an overall well managed essay.

Furthermore, most of the corrections made in your analysis is pretty minor, though however minor it is, it is still something that can be enhanced and with the help of contributors and your everyday practice, of course, I know you will be able to develop good writing skills that will equip you on your future writing projects.

I also suggest that you read a lot,reading English literature will definitely increase your vocabulary and this will help you come up or formulate a good sentence and ideas that will depict the thoughts you have in your head an d properly approach the prompt. This is one simple way you can develop your writing skills. Keep writing.
Fira28 6 / 10  
Sep 21, 2016   #11
Hallo Yunghsin, here i left comment for you

•The peipie graphs compare the proportion of ...

•... in 1995, while 'food' become(s) the number one of household ...

•... be seen a small decline pattermpattern which was 'education' - from 6.6% ...

•However, completely different trends reveals other categories ...
VKWSSH99 1 / 3  
Sep 21, 2016   #12
Hi Yunghsin,

I want to give a few notes for you.

* The peipie graphs compare the proportion of.....
* .....while 'food' becomes {after singular subject you should add "S" on your verb} the number one of household spending in 2010.

Break a leg!
Panjul88 1 / 5  
Sep 22, 2016   #13
Hi Yunghsin,

Here's my notes

- The peipie {beware of your spelling} graphs compare the proportion

- while 'food' becomes {singular word + verb(s)} the number one of household

- decline pattermpattern {beware of your spelling} which was 'education'

Break a leg!


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