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Ielts: In some places, teenagers are motivated to get part-time jobs while they are still in school


huyhoang02 2 / 3 1  
Jun 5, 2020   #1

part-time job for teenagers



Topic:In some places, teenagers are encouraged to get part-time jobs while they are still in school.
Do the advantages of teenagers working outweigh the disadvantages?

I am going to take the ielts exam at the end of this month.So I really want you to help me correct this essay.Thanks in advance.

Here is my essay:

It is true that these days more part-time jobs are stimulated for adolescents to pick up while they are still in school in many places. Despite some obvious advantages of this issue, I would argue that these are outweighed by the disadvantages.

On the one hand, there are two major benefits when teenagers take a part-time work. Firstly, starting to work at a young age prepares children more adequately for adult life. It teaches them how to react and behave in situations they would not encounter at home or at school. For example, many teenagers with a part-time job can easily adapt to life compare to the others. Secondly, children often have to work part-time to help their parents make end meet which also makes them appreciate the value of hard work and money.

On the other hand, I believe that the drawbacks are more than such advantages. One reason for this view is that children could not possibly do a job with school duties and extracurricular activities. If teenagers have to work part-time, their study could not be totally concentrated which leads to a poor academic result later. Besides, having to work and go to school at the same time would greatly reduce the amount of time children can spend with their parents or their friends. Another reason is that adolescents are vulnerable and can be easily exploited by employers. In some developing countries, children do manual labour under terrible conditions that can be a severe problem to their health.

In conclusion, it seems to me that the disadvantages of part-time job for teenagers are more significant the the advantages.
DiepVu99 10 / 21 9  
Jun 5, 2020   #2
hi!
in my opinion, your essay has been done with great vocabulary. The structure is quite good with clear ideas and points
However, I think that if you could choose only one side to analyze, the points would have been explained better
For example, body 1 is for leading to a poor academic result and body 2 is for reducing time for family and friends.
anyway, good luck to you in the upcoming test!
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,552 3449  
Jun 5, 2020   #3
You clearly understood the topic for discussion. You also knew exactly how to format your essay based on the discussion instruction. Your use of the A/D discussion was the correct format for this essay. However, you should have paid more attention to developing your discussion points. Since the essay calls for an A/D on the plural side, you should have used 2 A/D discussions in the following format:

- 1 Topic sentence (A or D). Use group pronouns to signify that you do / do not support this statement.
- One reasoning sentence in support / non-support of the discussion
- One opposing sentence (A or D). Make sure to use first person pronouns to clearly indicate you are in favor of / not in favor of this discussion topic and not the former.

- One example sentence
- One supporting explanation to strengthen the opposing sentence and example

Do that twice for the reasoning paragraphs. In order to create a properly developed and clear paragraph presentation. You should use only one topic sentence per paragraph. Otherwise, you leave the second reason presented in the same paragraph little developed. It requires more explanation but you have already run out of space to develop that particular discussion topic.

That is the reason why you have to use only one topic per paragraph. You can use up to 6 sentences to clearly explain one topic. However, presenting a second discussion within the same paragraph will make the format hard to read. So separate the second reason. It will give you more room to properly explain the second reason and will help you better address the plurality requirements of the discussion.

You should really try to write at least 275 - 290 words for this essay. It will help you better present your writing abilities and increase your overall scoring consideration. If you make sure to write 3-5 sentences for the paraphrase and another 3-5 for the concluding paraphrase, you will meet that suggested word requirement. It will make a big difference in your scoring potential.
OP huyhoang02 2 / 3 1  
Jun 6, 2020   #4
@Holt I appreciate your comment. It'll help me so much


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