Our planet's nature - writing IELTS Task 2 cambridge 14

question
some people say that the main environmental problem of our time is the loss of particular species of plants and animals. others say that are more important environmental problems.

discuss both these views and give your own opinion

answer:

Many people says that nowadays the problem of our planet's nature is losing some species of plants and animals. While other people think that there are more important environment problems. This essay will discuss both problems and solutions.

Firstly, One of the reason that the population of the animals decreased is that the atmosphere becoming worse year per year. For Example, In a district called Bekasi is place where almost all of the factories spreaded, and it makes the gas spread freely through the sky. In addition, on a busy city we can conclude that there are large number of private transportation like cars and motorcycles and this make the environment damaged too.

Secondly, There are a lot of company that use animals for their own needs. For example, many people use animals as an object for experiment, On the other hand, this experiment bring nothing but only making the population decreased. Another example is that some of the makeup companies use certain animals for just making their own product having improvement. If these things still done by humans carelessly, some of the animals will extinct.

Another hand, there is a major problem of human health. Nowadays, people live near the industrial place for some reasons such as near from works and the cost relative cheap. There are some problems of this aspects. One of them is that they use to inhale the industrial gas which makes some serious desease such as cancer and heart desease.

In conclusion, I believe that by reduce the killing of certain animals can lead us to prevent the extinction of the animals itself and the government need to spread the factory in varios district not just in one place, So that the citizen will not inhale the killer gas anynmore.

Okay, the essay instruction says you have to discuss both views and give your opinion. It does not say that you should discuss both views and give solutions to the problem. What the essay is asking you to do is give a personal opinion based on your understanding and personal support for one of the two reasoning lines presented. You have deviated from the original prompt and as such, will receive the appropriate points deductions for it.

Your actual discussion is very far from the original prompt discussion requirements. You are discussing the poisoning of the human environment while the essay topic actually is whether the loss of animal life and plants is a more important issue when compared to environmental problems.

You do not actually present a personal opinion regarding the given topic and you are not properly discussing the given points for consideration either. Your discussions have strayed too far from the original prompt for it to be considered related to the original prompt discussion. This is why the essay, based on the TA section alone, will not be able to achieve a score that will bring closer to a 5 band score. Based on the discussion errors, spelling, plus grammar errors, there is no way this essay will get a passing score.

You must work on your English comprehension skills. You have to understand the discussion being presented and how it is to be discussed before you can write the essay. Since you are still practicing, you still have the opportunity to ask your English tutor to explain the discussion requirements to you. You can even consider reading the model responses to the same prompt and then base your own discussion of the topic on what you read in the model essay. There are several ways for you to learn how to avoid prompt deviations. I hope you can consider using both styles to help you improve your English comprehension skills. Fix that problem before you start writing more practice tests. You will not pass the test if you cannot understand what the essay is all about.

Some grammar error you need to note:
1. important environmental problems.
2. In addition, on in a busy city, .. that there are is a large number ...
3. If these things still are done ...
4. ... problems of this these aspects.
5. .. by reduceing the killing ..