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Players and supporters in particular, should be supportive and responsible for the sporting events


somasalims 15 / 27 5  
Feb 8, 2015   #1
International sporting events such as the Olympic Games and the Football World Cup provide an outlet for patriotic feelings, and help reduce international tensions. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

Answer:
In recent years, lots of international sporting events have been organised by international organisation in order to raise patriotic feelings and to reduce international tensions. While I agree that the events have essential purposes, I firmly argue that it can influence the audiences who watch the events.

International sporting events are important as they can build better relationship amongst countries. South Korea and North Korea, for example, were in a football competition (World Cup) - they had been in conflict for years - and they showed to the world that they have become friendly each other. All in all, World Cup has been successful to reduce international tensions.

Apart from those tangible benefits, while a few countries, particularly players, have been in a friendship, international sporting events sometimes raise conflict from supporters when their favorite team is lost. For example, some Indonesian supporters protest when Indonesian football team could not win in Asean Games. As a result, this condition will increase their tensions. To sum up, the events do not always provide positive effects in this planet, but sometimes cause dire effects.

In conclusion, it is evident that although international sporting events can give an outlet for patriotic feelings and attempt to reduce international tensions, they also probably result in dire effects such as raise international conflicts due to the supporter. It is imperative that all people, players and supporters in particular, should be supportive and responsible to the events.

eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,195 459  
Feb 8, 2015   #2
The topic sentence needs a slight change in the flow of the sentence and should be written in conjunction with the prompt. Next, as the example given proves how tensions between countries are high, the 1980 Olympic is far stronger to justify the claim. Let's give a try:

Apart from the tangible benefits, international sporting events are no longer necessary since its aim of resolving worldwide tension is proven to be just as ineffective. For example, there were more than 60 countries which boycotted the Summer Olympic Games in Moscow, while Russia forming an alliance with 14 other countries took revenge for a boycott of the next year's Olympic Games in Los Angles. All of this points out that international Olympic games has no a better chance to reduce worry of tension among countries.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Feb 8, 2015   #3
"In recent years, lots of international sporting events have been organised by international organisation in order to raise patriotic feelings and to reduce international tensions."

This seems a bit wordy, try to avoid using the same word twice in a sentence, especially your opening statement. Try to make it straight forward and introduce your main point. Maybe try something along the lines of:

International sporting events raise strong patriotic feelings in the players and onlookers, though it is hard to tell if the influence is completely positive or negative.

"Apart from those tangible benefits, while a few countries, particularly players, have been in a friendship, international sporting events sometimes raise conflict from supporters when their favorite team is lost."

This is a run-on sentence,remove excess words that can take away from your point. Even turning it into two sentences would be okay.

"As a result, this condition will increase their tensions. To sum up, the events do not always provide positive effects in this planet, but sometimes cause dire effects."

As a result, this condition will increase their tensions. To sum up, The events do not always positively influence the players and viewers.

Final words;
Make sure your thoughts are well organized and each paragraph/section stays on one topic. Overall, you're on the right track with just some minor grammar errors.


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