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Plenty of authorities in the world consider economic progress is their first priority. IELTS2

Red Moon 14 / 32 6  
Aug 13, 2018   #1
Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Economic progress as the most important goal

Nowadays, plenty of authorities in the world consider economic progress is their first priority, while some people believe that different kinds of progress also play an important role in nations' development. In my opinion, developing the economy is necessary, but other progress are equally significant.

It is undeniable that economic development brings many benefits to a country. Firstly, it brings more job opportunities and deal with one of the most serious problems in many nations: unemployment. Higher salaries in a good economy also results in higher living standards and better quality of life. Secondly, the governments are able to invest more in transport system, healthcare and education, Money from rising taxes can be used to purchase more high-tech equipment and beds for hospitals or provide more valuable scholarships for students. Finally, a developed country with a strong economy may hold a high position in the world and have more influence over developing countries.

However, various kinds of progress need to be considered as well. The governments need to achieve political stability to prevent terrorism as well as create a safe and secure environment for inhabitants and foreign companies. Also, in modern times, human rights and equality are absolutely necessary to make residents feel protected, satisfied and motivated to work. Another long-term goal is to protect the environment, which is often destroyed in the economic progress. For example, there should be a limit for releasing exhausted fume from large factories, which contributes to global warming and ozone depletion.

In conclusion, the authorities need to focus on not only economic development but also political stability, human rights and environmental protection.
jalp 13 / 34 7  
Aug 14, 2018   #2
Good essay and with some good points but you forgot to state your opinion as body paragraph 3. Conclusion lacks stronger summarization.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,289 3984  
Aug 14, 2018   #3
Moon, your writing is showing signs of improvement but you are not progressing beyond simple sentence presentations. If you want to improve your GRA and C&C score, you must learn to stop counting out your reasons and instead, learn to transition between discussions in a manner that connects the two ideas so that they merge into one topic presentation in the paragraph. This creates a far more complex sentence presentation that will allow you to increase your scoring potential in the aforementioned sections. The words "firstly" and "secondly" should, in my opinion, only be place holders for future transition phrases or sentences. That is because simply counting off your reasons does not add any scoring consideration to your sentences and paragraphs but proper transition signals have an effect on the final GRA and C&C scoring.

In addition to that, you also need to remember that because this is a 2 point of view plus personal opinion discussion, it is always wise and good for your C&C score if you clarify the point of view being discussed. Is this the first point of view? Second point of view? Or totally just your personal point of view? The reader needs to be clear on this because it is part of the Cohesiveness and Coherence consideration of your paper. If the reader is not clear about whose point of view is being discussed, you could leave your reader confused and less informed about the topic being presented towards the end of your discussion.

That is precisely why you must outline the discussion instruction as part of the paraphrased paragraph presentation. Which is something that you failed to do this time. You don't have to stick to the formulaic "I will present both points and view and my personal opinion" for that presentation. You can vary it up by saying something like "This essay will analyze all the talking points provided by both sides with the inclusion of my personal opinion." Which creates a more complex prompt paraphrase.
sillyman2000 19 / 42 9  
Aug 15, 2018   #4
I think your essay is really coherent in term of ideas and relevant explanations. However, I do not see your effort in using transition words, as firstly, secondly and finally are not really a precise choice.

Also, mistakes:
have more influence influential
high-tech equipments
it brings more job opportunities and to deal with ... many nations: which isunemployment. Keep in mind that ":" is not encouraged to use in formal IELTS essay.
Linh Dieu 8 / 16 1  
Aug 17, 2018   #5
Hi Red Moon
Your essay is quite sufficient about both reasoning and structure, but I think when you shift to the second view, you should explain clearly first why other aspects other than economic progress are quite important too. This will make your essay has coherence.

And you need more explanations in conclusion to support your option, because this phragrah also play a role as other ones, you need make it clearer to complete your structure.

Hope it will help.

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