Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 15

A point to believe - Can anyone help me to short my creative essay?


little636 2 / 9  
Feb 1, 2010   #1
A point to believe

The white lights are blinding my eyes. The blood is rushing through my vessels, and my heart is hitting my chest fast. Emotions have conquered me all, though my brain is totally concentrated. I am standing behind a white line, wearing a red t-shirt. What I am holding in my sweaty, warm hands is cold, putting me in trembles. My eyes are intensely looking to the way it is revolving and revolving on my palm. The brisk rotation blends the colors, creating a sphere neither blue nor yellow, like a little shiny sun radiating its power. My fingers feel its inner pressure pressing my cells. The whistle blows. I hesitate for a moment, I am stuck. Then instinctively my hand throws the ball in the air, and with a jump I hit it to serve, starting the volleyball championship final.

The walls around the court are...
azupwah 2 / 7  
Feb 1, 2010   #2
i think i like your creative writing...but whats suppose to be your word limit? and how many words have you gotten cos i can see you actually have to take some points out and jux summarize some.
OP little636 2 / 9  
Feb 1, 2010   #3
about 700(the word limit) and there are about 834 words..a bit too much..
What are some things to point out...plz help
azupwah 2 / 7  
Feb 1, 2010   #4
ok....now can you pls jux let us know wat the question is about?
OP little636 2 / 9  
Feb 1, 2010   #5
is the free topic essay of the common application
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 3, 2010   #6
You know how when someone goes fishing and the get a bite, they jerk on the fishing pole to hook the fish before reeling it in? I don't do barbaric things like that, but I have seen them done. There is a principle at work in that situation that can help with writing. I had trouble caring what was going on in that whole first paragraph because I didn't know what was going on until the last sentence:

Then, i nstinctively my hand throws the ball in the air, and with a jump I hit it to serve, starting the volleyball championship final.------ did you throw it instinctively, or did you throw it because you made a conscious decision to make the serve? I think instinctively might not be the right word.

In fact, it is one of the many, many modifiers that you use, too many. You have lots, LOTS of potential as a writer, in my humble opinion, because you are a real wordsmith. One of the best of 'em. So, check out this paraphrasing of an example Stephe King gave in his book called On Writing:

Compare these two... Ana wielded the hard, heavy hammer and brought it abruptly down on Bob's terrified, pale face.

or... "Ana killed Bob with a hammer." ---- adverbs and adjectives are good, but it is amazing how a sentence can take on some crazy power when you get right to the point.

:-)
diodotusX 3 / 19  
Feb 3, 2010   #7
The white lights are blinding my eyes. The blood is rushing through my vessels, and my heart is hitting my chest fast. Emotions have conquered me all, though my brain is totally concentrated . I am standing behind a white line, wearing a red t-shirt. What I am holding in my sweaty, warm hands is cold, putting me in trembles. My eyes are intensely looking to the way it is revolving and revolving on my palm. The brisk rotation blends the colors, creating a sphere neither blue nor yellow, like a little shiny sun radiating its power. My fingers feel its inner pressure pressing my cells. The whistle blows. I hesitate for a moment, I am stuck. Then instinctively my hand throws the ball in the air, and with a jump I hit it to serve, starting the volleyball championship final.

So this whole first paragraph takes way too long to get to the point. You get so caught up in trying to describe what goes on...that you don't really describe what is going on. So I definitely agree with Kevin's post. Brevity can often do wonders. There is also an issue with the tenses you use. It's always something[i]is doing[i] rather than something [i]does[i] which i feel just makes it seem to drag on even longer. I don't feel that sense of excitement or anticipation or nervousness. A simple change of tenses can easily make it happen. Also, lay off on some of the modifiers. Ironically enough, the more and more you describe something, the less you actually describe it.

Here is the first paragraph corrected (or corrected the way I feel it should, you don't have to take my advice or agree with me because ultimately you are the author):

The white lights blind my eyes. The blood rushes through my vessels, and my heart hits fast against my chest. I stand behind a white line, wearing a red t-shirt. The light, blue sphere I hold in my hands shimmers with the sweat of my skin, cold and warm. Cold and warm. Trembling. My eyes see it revolve within the crevice of my palm, the rotation intense and brisk. It is the sun, neither blue nor yellow, but blending as it rotates furiously.

The whistle blows. And I hesitate.
But then my hand throws it in the air, and with a jump I hit it to serve, signaling the start of the volleyball championship finals.

Ok...I admit, it's a bit more than a "correction" since it really varies from what you wrote, but I think you get a better sense of nervousness, of anticipation. So you get the idea, I hope.

That's really all I can say about the work. Get to the point quicker. Don't waste time with needless describing when you can describe through action. And since it's a volleyball game, that shouldn't be too difficult. I'm not saying you can't use modifiers at all, but do it sparingly and at points that are most crucial to the theme of the work or the message you are trying to get across because those would be the most important moments. There are also many moments of awkward phrasing that I feel comes out of some desire to sound "eloquent". Just write naturally. Don't try to make your sentences sound too complicated for the sake of having them sound complicated. Or using "sophisticated" words for the sake of letting the reader know you have a bit vocabulary. If it sounds like it fits and it flows well, then go ahead and keep it.

Final comment: Try and ply with a narrative style that would be appropriate to the work. It sounds too...expository. Too blunt. Too "this happened and then I did this and then this happened." Play with the words, with their sounds, with the sentence structures.

For example: You can write a long, winding description of a moment, a single, crucial moment meant to capture the heart of the reader, to hold him -or her- in the reality of the story, to let them believe that this is really happening, to render from them a true moment of terror or pity - or to render a moment of relation with the work that surpasses the bounds of just the story in order to create a single, euphoric moment of realization and epiphany. And follow with a short sentence. See how much weight that last sentence took on as a result of the previous sentence? Try playing with styles like that. Maybe you can mimic your favorite author, discover how he or she tends to write and play with that. It'll improve your writing greatly, I guarantee it.

Have fun, and good work.
OP little636 2 / 9  
Feb 4, 2010   #8
thank you for your advice and your help.i really appreciate that. I have a lot of work with this essay..but first i have to cut as much as possible cuz is too long..
kimtoan - / 1  
Feb 21, 2010   #9
in my opinions, i thinks this is not an essay. it looks like you are telling about the story.
gemma2345 5 / 15  
Feb 21, 2010   #10
well, i like the whole point of the essay, overall it is good. however, i think that u have a lot of things going on in this essay. try to make it abt one thing. there's also alot of "i am's"...u are scientific, u like to run, u are smiley(smiling), surprised..e.c.t,,try to make all these points come together to explain why u like volley ball, or jst delete them if u cant.

you should also try to stick to one tense..u always transition from past to present or vice versa. Also try to indicate your antecedent in every sentence.

i hope this helps. Goodluck
gemma2345 5 / 15  
Feb 21, 2010   #11
you know what?? i think u should emphasize on your determination to learn volleyball and how u became good at it. then, connect it to your determination to achieve your dreams. so instead of writing " i willl run" as the last sentence, right something like "i am determined and i will do what ever it takes to achieve my dream"..it doesnt have to be like that but i think that you understand where i'm going with this.

Goodluck:)
OP little636 2 / 9  
Feb 21, 2010   #12
I am the slender kid whose best friend wasis a splice of strips of white,

is - because I am not that slender kid anymore

I gave himit some life of my own and as a loyal friend, heit

actually this was made on purpose, to show that the ball is human for me

i think u should emphasize on your determination to learn volleyball and how u became good at it. then, connect it to your determination to achieve your dreams.

hmm... well, my essay is all about that thing and that's the idea i have been trying to transmit. do you think i have to emphasize it more, and how can i do that?

Thank you! :)
ivyeyesediting - / 85  
Feb 21, 2010   #13
Hi Argit,

I really like what you have done here. Your voice is distinctive, and you know how to paint a picture. I think this is beautiful:

"...my best friend was a splice of strips of white, blue and yellow fabric sewn together and pumped with air. Air from my own lungs..."

What a poignant image to represent how you are intrinsically linked to your passion. Ah, the [insert sport]=life metaphors are great! (minor note: 'splice of strips of white' is a little awkward--maybe 'patchwork'?)

At times, the 'I am' device does grow slightly tedious and overwrought--as if you've tried to write an epic poem here rather than do what is most important: tell an interesting story. So, if there's one thing I would recommend, it is to focus on the real elements of the story. Your paragraph structure should help guide this.

Also, build tension not just through your language, but through your story's arc. For example, the penultimate paragraph might start with 'Three points left.' What was this game--what were the stakes here? Part of the fun in a great admissions essay is allowing your reader to discern what was really on the line. In some ways, I feel as though you 'know too much' in this essay, and allowing the reader to draw their own conclusions about your character could be even more effective.

Just a few suggestions. Great work thus far!!!!!

Cheers,
Janson
OP little636 2 / 9  
Feb 21, 2010   #14
Any last opinion please? Could you suggest me a title as well? What do you think about "On the run"? Thank you.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 22, 2010   #15
The whistle blows, and I hesitate. ---- I think this is better, but maybe you made it 2 sentences as a matter of style, trying to convey hesitation. I like it. You have a unique writing style, and some very good descriptions.

how many sacrifices I will make before I accomplish my goal, to savor the lusciousness and to and seize my dreams, but I sure do know something: I will run.

For a title... on the run seems to simple, and it is a cliche. It is better to give a title that expresses your idea of making running a metaphor for all your effort in life. Maybe your title should include the word run and also the word life. Running for my Life.

??

:-) I don't know. he important thing is that you are a gifted writer. Keep it up!!


Home / Writing Feedback / A point to believe - Can anyone help me to short my creative essay?