Pollution of rivers, lakes and seas is a major concern for people who seek to protect the environment.
What are the possible causes of water pollution, and what effects does this have on animal life and human society?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Writing
Water Pollution Worries
Water plays an indispensable role in our life. However, the contamination of underwater ground is extremely a concern for human being. This essay will cite out its primary causes and the consequences to human and animal life.
To begin with, there are various components that make the water resources polluted. Firstly, sewage wastes are identified as the most serious issue to the water. As the rapid development of industry, especially after the Industrial Innovation in the 19th century, a plethora number of factories have been constructed. Despite the economic benefits and the solution of unemployment, the enviroment has been neglected by the governments, especially water matters, as the enterprises keep dumping the wastes directly to the river without processing. Secondly, the overuse of pesticides and fertilizers also aggravates the water enviroment. As a result, the toxic chemical substances absorb in the soils, and they can be readily washed out by rain, in which later flow into the streams and lakes.
Water contamination has a disastrous impact on faunas and society. The dilemna leads to the habitat loss of underwater creatures. For instance, the Formosa incident occured in 2016 in the central of Vietnam. They illegally dumped the wastes into the sea, consequently, vast number of dead fish and shrimps floated in the sea, many local people were unemployed. In additon, the low quality of water can cause the shortage of water in the future, as the amount of fresh water accounts for 3% out of total water supply in the earth. If this problem keeps happening, it is estimated that by 2050, approximately 50% of global population will lack of clean water, which result in dehydration.
In conclusion, water pollution is extremely a tremendous worry for people, because of its detrimental effects. Therefore, the federal authorities and individuals should take action immediately to tackle this problem, as well as to save the planet Earth.Greetings, my friend,
There are some details to which you should pay attention in your next essays:
I - Introduction
1. There is no idea of concession between the two first periods of your introduction, there is a logical conclusion instead. You should thus use some linking word like "thus" or "therefore".
2. When writing an introduction, be sure to include details that answer the prompt of the essay ("What are the possible causes ...").
II - Development
1. You could've organized your paragraphs following the pattern "cause" - here, you may introduce the type of pollution about which you'll talk and state its causes - and consequence - here, you'll answer the question made in the essay's prompt -, rather than writing both separately. This would be better for the sake of cohesion.
2. Review the grammar of the text, as there are some mistakes:
"a plethora number" - "plethora" is already a noun and means "excess", so you should write "a plethora of factories";
"... substances absorb in the soils" - you should've used the passive voice here, being "substances are absorbed by the soils" (I suppose you misspelled the verb as well) correct;
"... consequently, vast number of dead fish and shrimps ..." - you should've written "and, consequently, a vast number", as "and" would link the two sentences.
3. Try to write bigger and more complex phrases, as this shows a bigger knowledge of the language.
III - Conclusion
1. Try writing a bigger conclusion. It should contain a summary of your text ("a tremendous problem" seems too vague) and, as you said that saving the environment is a duty for both authorities and individuals, ways of reducing the pollution.
Well, I hope that my tips may help you to write your next essay.
Best regards,
Arthur.
@Cabradasbrisa
Well thank you for taking your times to correct my essay specifically. I agree with most of your statements, except this one:
II/1 You could've organized your paragraphs ...
Because I think it's better to separate both prompt, as it is easier for me to organise the ideas, also it avoids the "too long, didnt read", as it is kind of jumbled if I merge my body. Beside, the question asks me to write water pollution topic exclusively, not to write a list of contaminations.
Hoang.
Hey, answer for answer here :) Although you complimented on my writing style, i think yours is also pretty decent! Here are some of my suggestions:
- the contamination of underwater ground water in many lakes, rivers or even the ocean (the question states lakes, rivers and seas so not underground water)
- is extremely a concern for human being
This sounds weird...Maybe you tried to reverse the place of sentence components to give it some favour but failed... Maybe you can write "is extremely concerning for human beings"
- as the most serious issue to the water
"issue" is a problem. Your paraphrasing of "cause" is incorrect here; try replacing that with "pollutant"
- As the rapid development of industry, especially after the Industrial Innovation in the 19th century
Try replacing "As" with "Due to" or "Alongside"; "As" is grammatically incorrect, i think
- ... neglected by the governments
You're not mentioning specific governments and you haven't talked about them before
- As a result, the toxic chemical ...
It is not a consequence of what you said in the previous sentence. Maybe replace that with "This is because the toxic chemicals, when they are absorbed by the soil, can be readily washed out by rain and later flow into streams and lakes."
Try inserting "and" or a phrase that denotes the relationship between 'vast number of dead fish and shrimps floated in the sea" and "many local people were unemployed"
-... population will lack of clean water
- ... worry for people, because of its ...
The same structure as above. I still think this sounds unnatural. Also remove that unnecessary comma.
Overall, your essay is of excellent quality, despite some errors i mentioned above. You displayed an extensive vocabulary, as well as relevant information and statistics. Note that the examiner is not likely to confirm that your example is proved or not, so making up statistics might not be penalised, unless they are so weird. Maybe you did some research prior to or while writing this, but you can not do any researches in the real test.
