Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 12

"poor countries in the world" - wealthy nations to be required to share their wealth?

orlando 13 / 94  
Jul 7, 2009   #1
Topic: Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as foods and education or is it the responsibility of the governments of poor nations to look after their citizens themselves?

There are a number of poor countries in the world that is not capable of looking after themselves without wealthy countries' help. The government of these poor countries are struggling to provide food and education for their inhabitatnts. Therefore, they are becoming more dependant to developed countries day after day.

There are several undeveloped nations in the world such Africa and a part of Asia that is struggling with hunger, serious illnesses and deaths caused by poverty. Moreover, governments can not provide education for children in these nations. There is an undeniable need of food and education for these poor cuntries that wealthy countries should provide.

On the other hand, there are some disadvantages of being provided food and education by wealthy countries. Since we were introduced with the term of impreialism in the 19th century, the monopoloy of powerful countries on poorer ones has created a large number of colonies in the world. As technologhy is not developed in poorer countries, it is very difficult for governments to use reasources in their countries and look after themselves. This situaon mostly ends up with being a colony of a powerful country. As a result of this, the culture, language and lifesytle of the poorer country will be effected and this may cause assimilation.

In conclusion, poorer countries should find a way to use their resources and be able to provide major needs for their inhabitants. Howeever, they might have to accept wealthy countries' help in order to make this process easier.

( In the las pragraph, I wanted to end up saying there must be a limit of getting help or something like that.. I did not know how to express that.)
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jul 8, 2009   #2
Your essay jumps around between the two opposing views a bit too much. Also, you don't mention a single specific country, wealthy or poor, by name. As a result, your essay seems a bit vague and underdeveloped. Try adding some specific examples to back up your points, and your essay will become much stronger.
OP orlando 13 / 94  
Jul 8, 2009   #3
I think I have a serious problem : ) . Thank you for your time. I just posted a reply in other feedback you just commented. Could you reply me back.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jul 8, 2009   #4
Of course I could. Your problem in both cases is that you treat your topic too superficially. So, in this case, you might have tried discussing specific poor nations, how their poverty was either the result of imperialism by specific other nations, or else their own fault. Either way, you would have wanted to describe specific actions taken by the nations in question and the economic result of those actions. To be able to do this regularly on a variety of topics, you may need to work on expanding your general knowledge of world history, in order to have a range of examples to draw on that can be used for a variety of different topics.
OP orlando 13 / 94  
Jul 8, 2009   #5
How would you start an essay like this. What type information should I give between 250-300 words and in a limited time ?

By the way, what do you think of my vocabulary an grammar ?

Thank you.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jul 8, 2009   #6
I would probably start with a thesis statement of some sort (I'm getting a bit tired now, so bear with me if this isn't the clearest example):

"Wealthy nations should give no aid to poorer nations until those nations take steps to help themselves."

Then, I would probably summarize a couple of reasons why I believe the thesis to be true

"Food aid and economic support to developing nations only aggravates those nations' social and economic problems in the long term by allowing them to delay the systematic reforms needed to be able to function properly on their own."

"Worse, such aid not only allows governments to delay necessary reforms, it also, to the extent that it is successful at all, begets only an ever greater need for aid in those countries."

Notice how each reason in the summary could be paraphrased and used as a topic sentence for a body paragraph. That is in fact how I would begin my body paragraphs, elaborating on my reasons and giving specific examples to support my points.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Jul 8, 2009   #7
In addition to being specific, it's important to be realistic. If, for example, you've already gone into some detail concerning disease, hunger, and lack of an education infrastructure in a given country, to then simply go on to say that the country should find some way to solve the problems itself is not enough. If the children aren't in school and are too malnourished to learn anyway, and a significant proportion of adults are incapable of productive labor because of disease, then how -- exactly -- shall the country go about solving these problems without outside aid?
OP orlando 13 / 94  
Jul 8, 2009   #8
Yes Simone, I totally get it. How come I can not think of this way during writing the essay. I think it is the pressure. I have to get over it.

And Sean, those are great examples to start with.

I get what you guys mean but it needs a very clear mind to be that creative. (for me)
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Jul 8, 2009   #9
How come I can not think of this way during writing the essay. I think it is the pressure.

You're exactly right. Anxiety tends to clutter and confuse the mind. So, perhaps you need to take some stress-relief steps before and during the testing process. Before, be sure to get enough sleep and eat well. Visualize yourself writing a successful essay. Approaching the test, breathe deeply and tell yourself, "I can do this. I am well-prepared. & etc." After reading the test question, again breathe deeply, perhaps even stretching your muscles to relax them, and again say to yourself, "I can do this." Then get to work. If at any point you start to feel confused, with too many ideas crashing together in your head, again stop and breathe and tell yourself "I can do this."
OP orlando 13 / 94  
Jul 8, 2009   #10
I will keep this advise in my mind !

By the way, what do you think of my grammar and vocabulary ? Would it be enough for an academic essay or I should work on that too ?
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jul 8, 2009   #11
Worry about your content first. Your grammar and vocabulary are good enough that your errors don't interfere with your meaning, so you are more likely to lose marks for insufficient content. So, given your time constraints, you will be better off focusing mainly on developing the ability to write well-thought out arguments supported by specific examples. Why not try writing new versions of the essays you've posted here, taking the advice you have been given so far? That might be good training for you.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Jul 8, 2009   #12
Your grammar needs work in order to improve to the level of an academic essay. Use online tests and exercises such as those on the Purdue Owl website to improve your grammar. Also try to notice any patterns in the corrections that forum moderators and contributors make to your essays and then be sure to study those areas.

Home / Writing Feedback / "poor countries in the world" - wealthy nations to be required to share their wealth?