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IELTS writing task 2: Poor memory in modern life


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Apr 11, 2017   #1
Could you please correct my text for the question of "Many people have now a poor memory. What is probably the reason and what should we do to improve?"

"In the modern world, poor memory arises as a prevalent human condition. This essay will explore some probable causes for this brain degradation and its feasible solution.

what affect our memorizing skills?



As the technology develops, people don't particularly need to memorise anything anymore. A human brain can no longer store as immerse data as a computer do. The technology makes it even easier when any social network like Facebook has now a function of reminding automatically the user of his friends' birthday or events. The dependence of technology weakens, therefore, human memory capacity.

Besides, the increasing pollution makes this condition more universal. Research shows that people live in a heavily polluted area are more likely to struggle with memorising numbers and person's name than their peers in a purer region. Air pollution particles could attack anyone and happen to damage slowly brain functions.

Solving these two main issues would be the key to recover intellectual health. While it is really difficult to change living area or individually mitigate environmental pollution, anyone can change their habit toward technology. Like physical body, the brain needs practice to function effectively. They should start with trying memorising important things like upcomming due dates or list of follows-up activities. Beside, finding a strategy to remember seems to be a long-term solution. Visualising the relationship between things could really facilitate the memorisation process.

In brief, the modern life is seemingly creating a new generation of poor memory. However, with regular practice and an appropriate strategy, people would at least prevent themselves from the possible embarrassing situation where they would forget to celebrate their own birthday just due to Facebook disconnection."

(267 words)

Any advice is really welcomed.
Thank you very much.

SARAsajedi91 1 / 4 2  
Apr 11, 2017   #2
... as a prevalent human condition problem.

... as immerse data as a computer doES. The technology makes it? (WHAT IS (IT) even easier ...
The dependence of technology weakens, therefore, human memory capacity.
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,840 2632  
Apr 11, 2017   #3
Plan, you need to improve upon your opening statement. The way you have it written now isn't really reflective of the prompt topic and the instructions for your discussion. In order to develop a better opening statement, it would be best to allot one sentence per prompt indication. That would be one for the topic, another for the reasons, and the lady one for the methods by which one can improve his memory. If you write it that way, your task accuracy score will be increased.

There is a problem in your sentence structure for paragraph two sentence three. The proper structure for the sentence would have been as follows:

Therefore, the dependence on technology weakens the human memory capacity.

In relation to this, your conclusion is inappropriate as it doesn't accurately summarize the discussion provided and your proposed solutions. As such, you will recieved a severe markdown in the task accuracy section because of the mistakes in your opening statement and closing paragraph. All of these components will , in my opinion, combine in a resulting score of 4 overall.
OP Link 1 / 2 2  
Apr 12, 2017   #4
@Holt
Thank you very much for your comments. My text actually lacks the opening graph (I don't know why, I remember have posted all). The following is my full text with adjustment based on your comments. What will you score it?

"In the modern world, poor memory arises as a prevalent human condition. This essay will explore some probable causes for this brain degradation and its feasible solution.

As the technology develops, people don't particularly need to memorise ...
frenchfries 7 / 18  
Apr 12, 2017   #5
Hi, I think you should write your essay with one paragraph with one cause and a solution for that cause and keep on. It means you will have two paragraphs in Body part. Your conclusion should have at least 3 sentences.
Kiki31415 - / 1 1  
Apr 16, 2017   #6
Hello Link,

1. Be aware of the tone. Do not use "don't" in the essay for it sounds informal.

2. The structure might need some adjustment. It is suggested that some background sentences can be added in the first paragraph.

3. There are also some places where the essay fails to segue into the next sentences. Sentences like "Like physical body, the brain needs ... Theyshould start with trying memorising ..." and "Beside, finding a strategy to remember seems to be a long-term solution. Visualising the relationship ..." are awkward.

I believe that this essay will lose some marks on Coherence and Cohesion.

4. In the second paragraph in which the essay tried to prove the correlation between pollution and people's poor memory, whilst the evidence correctly responses to the statement, it is too weak and blur to support the idea.

5. Some grammar mistakes like " a computer do","Research shows" may lose some points on grammar.


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