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IELTS TASK:Popular events are essential in easing internatiol tensions.


hunkar 1 / 4  
Aug 4, 2012   #1
Topic: Popular events like the football World Cup and other international sporting occasions aare essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.

In my opinion popular events are easing tension of World such as Olympics. For example the symbol of Olympic are included each continent in the hoops. Furthermore this is platform that participation of all countries in the world. Even it contains countries with a war between each other. But the distinction isn't done any way. So It is done in a peaceful environment. In addition to similar events can be clamped each other the their countries people. For instance Spain is in an Economic crisis and the most people demonstrated in the street but the Europe Champions was began, people started to forget this crisis. In the end of the Champions Spanis national team won this cup. This time for the moment all people forgot the problem and shared to gladness emotion. Although there are lots of good points, sometimes it can be bad points For example Munih olympics was caused to murder some athletes. The only reason is racism. I mean some people unfortunatelly won't change whatever. However even if this events happened, this type would really peaceful and fraternally.

In conclusion I support this events. I hope the humanity will change thanks to the similar things. What do you think? Am I right?

amitt - / 80  
Aug 4, 2012   #2
why you concluded in only one paragraph? It is very very wide & interesting topic. The entire essay is very confusing. Think in lot broader way

Please, also include UN submit, G-20 meeting, G-7 meetings, hockey world cup, Cricket world cup, Euro cup, Oscar awards, grammy awards, Noble prize
OP hunkar 1 / 4  
Aug 5, 2012   #3
yes you are right!!

thank you.

why you concluded in only one paragraph?

Actually i didn't write a conclusion later i decided to write.

Think in lot broader way
Please, also include UN submit, G-20 meeting, G-7 meetings, hockey world cup, Cricket world cup, Euro cup, Oscar awards, grammy awards, Noble prize

You're right. I was able to think more wider. thanks for your ideas. :)
ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Aug 5, 2012   #4
Did you write an introduction? Why did you write only one paragraph as the body? Pay attention to the template that I wrote below:

Introduction: Motivator+ thesis statement (reword the topic) + your opinion +blueprint
Body: Write at least two paragraphs as the body. Each paragraph should start with a topic sentence. Then write supporting sentences and closing statement.
Conclusion : Restate the thesis statement + clincher

Organize your essay according to what I wrote.
smogito 4 / 7  
Aug 5, 2012   #5
You must write an introduction for every IELTS task you write

The structure and grammar is poor, try to practice and improve the quality of your expresions
OP hunkar 1 / 4  
Aug 6, 2012   #6
The structure and grammar is poor, try to practice and improve the quality of your expresions

You explained very well. Thanks a lot. I'm going to consider your advices. :)
sophienguyen92v 3 / 5  
Aug 6, 2012   #7
In my opinion, the structure is not good. Usually there are at least 4 paragraphs including introduction, body and conclusion.
Besides, the essay must contain at least 250 words while yours only have 205. In my country (vietnam), the essay < 250 words get serious low points.
Moreover, the ideas given are not clear enough.
I am not good at volcabulary and grammar so I have no comments to those. :)


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