Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

The popularity of free time activities that the US elderly took part in - the period of 1980 & 2010

HunT 2 / 2  
Apr 4, 2020   #1
Please review my essay. Tks

The line graph IELTS TASK 1

The line graph depicts how popular free time activities was that the US elderly took part in during the period of 1980 and 2010, namely reading, hiking, theatre, watching TV and Surfing the Internet.

Overall, the number of people joined in watching TV was the most, as an opposite pattern in that of surfing the Internet. In addition, there was an upward trend in proportion of watching TV, hiking and surfing the Internet. However, the figure for reading and theatre fluctuated significantly.

Looking at the details, in 1980, the percentage of watching TV was the most, at 60%, which was 40% more than hiking's, and was over 12 time as much as that of surfing the Internet. After that,the portion of watching TV reached a peak at 70% in 2000 before declining modestly in 2010. Nonetheless, time witnessed a sharp increase in how many people joined in hiking activity which overtook the number for watching TV and became a new dominant activity at the end of the period with over 80% being took up, which was followed by surfing the Internet, at 50% in 2010.

Nevertheless, there was a considerable decrease in the part of theatre, which then went up to over 45%. Finally, time registered a wild fluctuation in the figure for reading, which bottomed at 20% in 2000 before climbing steeply to 60% at the end of the examined course.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,846 4177  
Apr 4, 2020   #2
With only 20 minutes to write this task by hand, you should not be able to write 232 words. That kind of word count means you will have cut into the Task 2 writing time. Remember, you should only write between 175-190 words for this task. That word count ensures that you will stay within the given time frame and also, meet the revising guidelines to perfect your presentation before the time is up on this section of the test. The number of words that you have written is more suited, with some additional words, to a Task 2 essay. The task 1 essay requires you to be direct in reporting the facts. with as little elaboration as possible due to time constraints.

There are errors in your summary overview. You should have indicated that the years reported range from the 1980's to the 2010's. These are the time ranges indicated in the original image and should have been referred to as such. There is a difference between 1980's to the 2010's and "the period of 1980 and 2010". The former refers to inclusive decades and the latter, refers to only 2 specific years. Since the Task 1 essay requires information accuracy, you must make double sure that your data is always correct otherwise you misinform the reader.

You also did not notice something obvious when you initially look at the image. The numbers for hiking, while increasing in popularity, also had an overlapping trend with reading, theater, and watching TV. That means that at certain points, hiking and other activities had equal popularity among the elderly as free time activities during specific decades. You need to make sure that information like that is included in your report because you need to use all of the information, in relation to the era's represented, in your data presentation.
Apr 5, 2020   #3
I think the overall just mention the objects have followed upward, downward or fluctuation because the comparisons of numbers are written in the bodies

Home / Writing Feedback / The popularity of free time activities that the US elderly took part in - the period of 1980 & 2010