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IELTS TASK2:Popularity of mobile phones to young people


gmad06 20 / 151 55  
Jul 25, 2013   #1
Hi Guys,

I appreciate if you can give feedback on my essay. Thank you.

TASK:Nowadays, many young people say that mobile phones are the most important thing in their life. Do you think the popularity of mobile phones to young people is a good or bad development? Give relevant examples from your own experience.

Nowadays, many young people consider mobile phone as the most important thing in their lives as it keeps them constantly organized and it provides much convenience for them to reach out their families and friends. Despite all these positive aspects, I think that the popularity of mobile phones to the young generation is a bad development.

First of all, many young owners of cellular phones are struggling at school because they are distracted most of the time with their phones. Games and applications installed in phones have occupied much of their time, leaving them lesser time for their studies and other school activities. Similarly, internet capable phones help influence the young ones to become more interested in chatting and social sites rather than doing school works. In my college days, I was once addicted to a certain game on my cellular phone. I have spent most of my time trying to reach a higher level to show-off to my friends. That goal has led me to my lost in interest on doing my homework and I ended up failing one subject in that semester.

Secondly, juveniles who possess mobile phones have great tendencies to become materialistic. They would not only purchase a phone because of its functionality but also for its brand. Relatively, these do not come at a significant and inexpensive cost. Furthermore, most of these juveniles are students so they would need their parents to support them financially for what they want. An illustration of this unfortunate trend can be seen almost everywhere these days, wherein most teens at an early age own phones which are worth twice the salary of their parents.

This clearly shows that the negative impacts brought about by mobile phones are harmful to a person's education and character. Therefore, I highly discourage the young ones to be overly dependent on mobile phones.

Ranmaginer - / 1  
Jul 25, 2013   #2
the negative impacts brought about by mobile phones

The negative impacts which are brought about by mobile phones
Rima84 - / 1  
Jul 25, 2013   #3
The idea is great , but need to put it in the following structure , then it will be clear and easy to follow with.

First you have to arrange the essay in three paragraphs:
1- Introduction that explain the main idea and the two side of the topic if they weren`t clear.
2-Body part with contains two paragraphs , first the positive side ( should be the side that you don`t agree with) as you should explain that in the next paragraph .

3- the conclusion part , which should be one part with your conclusion and it`s connected to the first main part.
OP gmad06 20 / 151 55  
Jul 25, 2013   #4
The negative impacts which are brought about by mobile phones

thank you Ranmaginer

Nice. Thanks.
Helinkway 2 / 4  
Jul 25, 2013   #5
Despite all these positive aspects, I think that the popularity of mobile phones to the young generation is a bad development.

Despite all these positive aspects, I strongly believe that the popularity of mobile phones to the young generation is a bad development.

You can use other phrases, "think" is not an academic word.

leaving them lesser time for their studies and other school activities.

Less time

Similarly, internet capable phones help influence the young ones to become more interested in chatting and social sites rather than doing school works

Internet capable have an influence on the young ....
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Jul 26, 2013   #6
Nowadays, many young people considerthe mobile phone as the most important thing in their lives as it keeps them constantly organized and it provides much convenience for them to reach out their families and friends.

... reach out to their families and friends / reach their families and friends
Also, for youngsters, it's a trendy thing. Many a them do not think seriously about its primary objective,i.e. as a communication device, but use it for various other aspects such as playing games etc. I think you better briefly mention about this aspect as well.
Pahan 1 / 1,907 553  
Jul 27, 2013   #7
Games and applications installed in phones have occupied much of their time, leaving them lesser time for their studies and other school activities.

you have strong sentences :) very good:)

Similarly, internet capable phones help influence the young ones to become more interested in chatting and social sites rather than doing school works.

Similarly, the phones with internet capability influence young children to engage in chatting with friends via social forums. This causes them to give less priority to their classroom work.

You write very well. These are just my suggestions :)


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